Princess Beatrice's hat offered own TV series

THE hat worn by Princess Beatrice at the Royal Wedding has been offered its own chat show.

The Philip Treacy creation became a hit with online communities due to its self-deprecating nature and will now sign a television contract thought to be worth millions.

A spokesman said: “Princess Beatrice’s hat fronting a talk show is just what the nation needs during these tough times. It’s strange looking but talented, like Susan Boyle if she was a hat.”

But the TV deal has been condemned by Princess Beatrice’s sister Eugenie who also wore a hat at the wedding.

A friend of Eugenie’s said: “If you’d told her last week that Bea’s hat would be offered a prime-time talk show she’d have eaten her own hat which at least looks like a hat.”

Although widely loved, the hat of Princess Beatrice, now known as ‘the hat of hearts’ is not without its detractors.

It has received death threats from fundamentalist milliners with one describing it as ‘looking like a tarantula trying to sodomise a Frisbee’.

The hat is understood to be delighted, with friends and family insisting it will not allow fame will go to its head.

The talk show will include segments hosted by other celebrity apparel, such as the Lady Gaga’s Meat Dress’s armchair aerobics and gardening with Judy Finnegan’s massive bra.

 

 

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Jesus tells Archbishop to shut it

CHRIST the Saviour has told the Archbishop of Canterbury to stop being such a pansy.

The King of Kings told Rowan Williams that the US definitely-not-an-assassination of Bin Laden was way cool and that because he is Jesus he has been allowed to see the photos of Bin Laden dead and they are wicked.

The Messiah said: “I’m aware of what my teachings are in the gospels about pacifism – after all, I did actually say almost half of it.

“But not even the son of God can deny that kicking through a window and saying ‘This one’s for New York City you sonofabitch’, then emptying a clip into a motherfucker would be totally awesome.

“And if Bin Laden had given me any of that ‘turn the other cheek’ shit, I’d have been all like ‘Yeah? Well, turn THIS, you cocksmoker’ and shot him with my gun held sideways like they do in Pulp Fiction.”

Jesus went on to repeatedly ask Williams exactly who had died for whose sins anyway before swiping the mitre from his head and running off with it, saying he could have it back if he told his next congregation how the Lamb Of God had kicked his ass.

He added: “I hope this puts to rest all those doubts people had when George Bush used to say that he was going to war in my name. I love a good ruck as much as the next half-deity and I’m still rather miffed with Paul, Matthew, Luke and the rest of those nonces for not pointing that out.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to ask a certain Polish somebody a few questions about a load of kids being bummed.”