HARDENED criminals in several UK prisons have begun rioting at the prospect of sharing a cell with a Murdoch.
Burning mattresses, walls smeared with faeces and entire prison wings submerged in urine are just some of the things Britain’s convicts would rather live with than News International’s rubbish-Bond-villain bosses and their Benson-breathed part-human cronies.
Amnesty International has also intervened, asking whether listening to a News of the World editor fart in his sleep constitutes a ‘cruel and unusual punishment’.
Belmarsh governor Roy Hobbs said “Given that he looks like a failed experiment from the island of Dr Moreau, I’d have thought Neil Wallis would’ve fitted in rather well, but since he was arrested D wing has been pretty much a no-go area. And that’s where we put all the rapists, so the moral compass is all over the place, like a cheap Satnav.”
Prisoner Stephen Malley said: “Bent coppers are ten-a-penny but because of these journalists I can no longer admire the breasts on page 3 of The Sun without feeling like an accessory to evil. That makes me angry.”
Prison security will be tightened up for the delivery of half of Fleet Street, with governors expecting a dramatic increase in prisoner consumption of illicit alcohol and drugs, both from existing convicts trying to cope with the situation and because the new arrivals will look like Paul McMullan.
But it is the possible incarceration of a Murdoch or a Brooks that has the Ministry of Justice fearing prisoners will start chewing through the walls in order to escape their new cellmates.
Hobbs said “It’s going to be like an episode of Porridge, only one where Ronnie Barker is replaced with a total shitbag.”