Privy Council relevant for first time since 1659

THE Privy Council has become a topic of conversation for the first time in almost 400 years.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was accused of undermining the British constitution after his refusal to attend the Council caused thousands of people to find out what it actually was.

The body, set up to advise the monarch when kings and queens had something to do, was largely dormant from 1659 until 1973, when it was ‘rebooted’ by the Queen so she could ask politicians about stuff she had read in the newspapers.

A Privy Councillor said: “These days it’s even cooler and more important.

“We all put on our uniforms and stand around the Queen in a semi circle. She smiles at us, we smile back, she passes round a photo of a building she opened and we all say what an excellent building it is and how nicely she opened it.

“Then there’s a massive trumpet fanfare, she takes the picture back and leaves the room. It’s our constitutional bedrock.”

A Labour spokesman said: “Jeremy’s very much in favour of undermining the constitution, but he’ll probably do it in a way that actually does it.”

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Young Conservatives to victimise other social outcasts

BULLIED young Conservatives have bonded over a shared desire to target their fellow Godforsaken wretches.

At the party’s conference in Manchester, dozens of strange people in their early 20s explored their mutual loathing of asylum seekers, the working poor and people without private pensions.

Conference delegate Julian Cook said: “I know what it means to be rejected by the establishment. Last Monday I was egged in the face by a left-wing teacher.”

He added: “I’ve been demonised by the media and discriminated against just for being who I am. That seems like a fun thing to do to someone else.”

Fellow activist Nathan Muir, from Leeds, said: “At uni I was ridiculed because my greatest ambition was to read my erotic short stories to Theresa May.

“But now I’m among people who know what it means to feel like some bloody Syrian who’s only here for the handouts.”

Muir was later beaten to a pulp in the conference centre bar for sounding too northern.