Pub-goers horrified as man openly orders hot drink

DRINKERS at a normal pub have been left shocked after a man brazenly ordered a hot drink.

Patrons at the Lord John in Reading, a small bleak pub where the kettle is not even plugged in, were enjoying normal alcoholic pub drinks when a man in his thirties entered demanding a cup of tea.

Bar manager Roy Hobbs said: “At first I assumed it was a joke of some kind, but he repeated his order as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

“My mind reeled as I considered what to do next. I wasn’t even sure if there was any milk, never mind where I might find tea bags or a cup. I had to phone Clare who works on Saturdays.

“The whole process took nearly 20 minutes, during which the atmosphere became very, very tense as proper customers waited to buy beer.”

Regular Wayne Hayes said: “These people have their own places, cafes I think they call them. They should stay there and eat their carrot cakes or whatever it is they like.”

Roy Hobbs added that he has since rubbed off ‘tea and coffee available’ from the pub’s blackboard, and taken the kettle to Cash Converters.

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World Tofu Council meets to figure out what the f**k tofu is

THE international body regulating the worldwide production and sale of tofu have called an urgent summit to solve the mystery of tofu. 

The Council have narrowed its possible origins down to just seven or eight potential substances, with a further thirty-five in the ‘maybe’ pile.

Chairwoman Dr Helen Archer said “Tofu is white, soft and definitely made of something. Maybe it’s some type of sea cucumber, or a pulp of vegetable ends.

“It’s completely natural unless it’s entirely synthetic and there’s an abundance of it, unless world supplies are about to be exhausted.

“Perhaps it comes from a bush, or underground springs. Or could there be such a thing as horse cheese?”

Treasurer Stephen Malley said: “As the global body for tofu, it’s time we nailed this once and for all. I think it’s eggs.”