Pub jazz band confirms next gig will last forever

A PUB jazz band has confirmed that its next gig will never end.

The Long Hot Summer Jazz Quintet plays a regular weekly slot at The Grapes in Swindon and locals have confirmed that some of their gigs have lasted for up to six days.

Jazz trombonist Tom Booker said: “As a married father of two I can see why this infinite jam session could impact on my home life.

“But, I told my wife when I married her, ‘Don’t ask me choose between semi-professional jazz trombone and having a family because you really won’t like my answer’.

“Plus, the kids can always pop into the pub if they want to see me as it’s a child friendly bar.

“Given that it also has never-ending live jazz, you’d think it would be a lot busier.”

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Having five children is fine for middle-class people like me, but not the poor

By Carolyn Ryan

For me, having five children is an important personal choice, but for poor people it’s just incredibly irresponsible.

Just like snorting coke or gambling on horses, if middle-class people do it it’s sophisticated and aspirational, but if poor people do it, they’re shiftless, negligent scum.

My five kids will grow up as walking ecological catastrophes due to the fact that they will have enough money to buy massive cars and go on shitloads of foreign holidays, but I don’t care about that as long as I can keep popping out mini versions of myself.

Miserable naysayers tell me that my grandchildren will have to exist in an overpopulated, drought and flood-ridden hellhole, but I prefer not to think about that. And anyway, I’ve given up using plastic straws so I’m sure it will all be fine.

It’s well known that poor people neglect their children, whilst I take excellent care of mine by sending them to boarding school as soon as I can and throwing money at their problems instead of helping to solve them.

Children are the light of the world, especially as a status symbol that you don’t actually have spend much time with.