Public Toilets To Be Replaced With Actual Cottages

PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.

A backbench committee of MPs has supported the move after receiving complaints from 'hundreds of anonymous constituents'.

Denys Hatton, MP for Minchinhamptonsteadbury, said: "With the right level of investment we could create illicit sex dens that will be the envy of the world.

"Each cottage will contain three bedrooms for hot private sessions and a cosy living room where you can have a relaxed chat with your new chums.

"There will also be a delightful little kitchen where you can make yourself a refreshing cup of tea between bouts of sleazy cock fun."

The new cottages will also house a row of urinals and cubicles for those who may be nostalgic for the days of grubby bum sessions filled with the aroma of bleach.

Wayne Hayes, a 43 year-old illicit sex enthusiast, said: "Too many of our great Victorian public lavatories have been sold off and turned into private housing.

"Unfortunately many of the new owners do object when you write a note on their wall saying how much you love to suck big, fat dicks."

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I will be just fine, says Earth

THE planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.

The Earth broke its silence after years of environmental campaigns urging people to ‘Save the Planet’.

Earth said: “I’ll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but that actually sounds quite nice. Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it’s absolutely fucking freezing.”

The four billion year-old planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was ‘sick and tired’ of being drawn into arguments about human behaviour.

“Look, I’m just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that’s your business, but I’ve got important planet stuff to do. Try being in elliptical orbit, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Trust me, it’s difficult.”

The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from ‘Save the Planet’ to something more relevant such as ‘Save Your Sorry Arse’.

Earth added: “Okay, so there may come a time when I am no longer able to support pandas, polar bears, and humans, but you know what? Life goes on.

“Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads.”