PUBLIC lavatories across Britain are to replaced with three bedroom cottages in a bid to make furtive cock action safer and more comfortable.
A backbench committee of MPs has supported the move after receiving complaints from 'hundreds of anonymous constituents'.
Denys Hatton, MP for Minchinhamptonsteadbury, said: "With the right level of investment we could create illicit sex dens that will be the envy of the world.
"Each cottage will contain three bedrooms for hot private sessions and a cosy living room where you can have a relaxed chat with your new chums.
"There will also be a delightful little kitchen where you can make yourself a refreshing cup of tea between bouts of sleazy cock fun."
The new cottages will also house a row of urinals and cubicles for those who may be nostalgic for the days of grubby bum sessions filled with the aroma of bleach.
Wayne Hayes, a 43 year-old illicit sex enthusiast, said: "Too many of our great Victorian public lavatories have been sold off and turned into private housing.
"Unfortunately many of the new owners do object when you write a note on their wall saying how much you love to suck big, fat dicks."