Punk not as important as former punk thinks

PUNK was far less important than ex-punk Tom Logan likes to think, it has emerged.

Historians have taken issue with claims made in the autobiography of former Septic Nipples drummer Logan, which include the assertion that punk “changed everything”.

History professor Mary Fisher said: “Clearly many areas of life were not affected by punk. The car industry, for example, did not start making Allegros covered in spit with an anarchy symbol Tippexed on the side.

“Mr Logan – or Johnny Piss, as he was known then – believes punk had some political significance. But it was followed by Thatcherism, which was all about buying your own house and making it look nice, which isn’t very punk.

“It’s also possible that if punk had not existed, grunge would have been invented sooner and we could have just listened to Nirvana and not pretended to like the Slits.”

However Logan defended the importance of punk, saying that without it he would not have a vast stock of underwhelming anecdotes.

Logan said: “I was at a party with Johnny Thunders and the Pistols at Siouxie Sioux’s house, and the Damned turned up without any booze, so Siouxie told them to fuck off and get some from the off licence, and some crisps.

“All that craziness was a long time ago though. Today I’m an IT consultant with a wife and two kids living in a semi in Leeds.

“But there’s no way that could have happened if it hadn’t been for punk.”

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Telly idiots being treated like tribal elders

SOCIETY is at a point where presenters of light entertainment television are regarded as wise sages, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If you look at the interest generated by Kirstie Allsopp’s comments about having kids, you can see how people on telly are revered – almost feared.

“In ancient cultures priests and priestesses were similarly elevated for their power to communicate with the gods.

“The modern equivalent of that is being on a telly programme with pictures of nice houses or yummy food, because telly seems like magic.”

28-year-old Stephen Malley said: “These people are in a million homes at once, they couldn’t do that if they weren’t special. Probably telly people are highly advanced space aliens.

“If Tim Lovejoy told me to cut my penis off I’d definitely do it.”