Quaint old concept of 'days of the week' remembered

BRITAIN has cast its mind back to the old times when the days of the week were individually named and distinct from one another. 

People across the UK are lost in nostalgia for the quaint tradition of splitting time into seven different ‘days’ rather than one big long socially distanced, self-isolated, locked-down unchanging present.

Tom Booker of Durham said: “It’s so funny to think back on now, all those weekdays and weekends and bank holidays.

“I remembered the phrase ‘Friday feeling’ earlier and burst out laughing at the idea. Friday is the same as every other day. Long.”

Nikki Hollis agreed: “I tried recently to work out what day it was the way people used to reckon it. Apparently it was ‘Sunday’, which for those long ago used to be a day of rest. Imagine that. A whole day where you could rest.

“Then I checked the calendar and realised it was Tuesday. It’s safe to say I’m not in a great way.”

Other concepts now consigned to history include planning, socialising, touching other people and outside.

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How to tick off your bucket list from your front room

YOU can’t leave the house, and it turns out most things are done outside the house. But what can you tick off from your bucket list while alone in the front room? 

Visit foreign countries

Have you always wanted to ride through the Rockies? Visit Florence? Cruise the Californian canyons in a convertible? Well, all those destinations are available to you in your own home, on the PlayStation. Take what you can get.

Be a famous writer

You could write a book and publish it on Kindle. Or you could skip straight to the good bit of being a famous writer and drink heavily while making witty observations to gales of laughter. Two bottles of Jack Daniels and an E4 sitcom with an intrusive laugh track and you’re basically Hemingway.

Learn Spanish

Sure, you probably won’t master the language and it’s unlikely you’ll be there anytime soon, but you could learn how to order a vegetarian breakfast in Spanish whilst sitting on the couch and feel like you’ve truly achieved something.

Have a threesome

Gatherings of more than two people are forbidden. So you would definitely have had a threesome had they not been banned. Which counts so cross that off.

Ring that mate from school who you lost touch with to say you’re sorry you lost touch

This will most likely be combined with drinking heavily while pretending to be a famous writer.

Do a skydive or whatever

Extreme sports are about dicing with death. No sport is as extreme as a global pandemic. You’re more extreme than anyone doing lip tricks on an active volcano will ever be. Go you.