Racists no longer bothering to say ‘I’m not a racist, but…’

RACISTS feel it is now socially acceptable to just come straight out with it.

Long-time closet bigot Norman Steele said: “All this ‘I’m not a racist, but… ” stuff? Of course we were racists. It was a charade we had to play out. But no more.

“It used to be that you couldn’t say anything, you know what I mean, otherwise the PC Brigade would be on your back.

“But actually, it turns out times have changed. We’re more mainstream now. You can be racist on buses. In the streets. In newspapers. It’s fine.

“Most people don’t seem bothered. In fact they avoid eye contact and pretend to be playing a game on their phone.

“It gives me hope that people in Britain are becoming more tolerant and accepting of racists.”

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When I look in the mirror I see my brother Ed

Dear Holly,

I recently bought a lovely antique mirror at a car boot sale from a mysterious young man wearing a cloak and a pointy hat with a strange scar on his forehead. When I look in the mirror I see me as prime minister, smiling and waving, but behind me I see the contorted faces of my parents. They are crying and comforting my brother Ed who is hunched over, sobbing. They are all mouthing the word “why?”. I’m just wondering if I should get the frame re-gilded because it looks rather shabby; should I fork out for it to be done by a specialist?

David Miliband


Dear David,

Be careful of spending too much time interacting with yourself, especially if you are practicing kissing and/or chat up lines, and ALWAYS make sure no-one is watching. Aside from being a complete waste of time, the last thing you want is for a secret video of you snogging your own arm to go viral on YouTube.

Hope that helps,