Radio 4 listeners shocked to hear racism exists

FANS of Desert Island Discs fans are reeling from the news that some people are ghastly.

After Bake Off star Nadiya Hussain revealed she experiences racism on a daily basis, because she lives in Britain every day, which is full of racists, the BBC have set up a helpline for its shocked listeners.

Martin Bishop said: “I don’t wish to call Nadiya a liar, as she seems like one of the nice ones, but I’ve never heard any racism in our village – and we live fairly close to Chesham, so we have our ghettos.

“Maybe she’s simply mishearing them under that headgear of hers and they’re just shoving into her and shouting things because they want an autograph or a recipe for drop scones.

“She’s met the Queen. How could anyone be horrid to somebody who’s met the Queen?”

Radio 4 will delve further into this new phenomenon, commissioning a six part series called Colour. Me. Bad? to see if not being white in any way affects your employment prospects or the likelihood of the police assuming you are up to something.

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Farage takes long hard look in mirror and decides only his facial hair needs to change

NIGEL Farage has closely examined himself and decided his only flaw was a lack of facial hair.

Following recent media appearances with a moustache, Farage confirmed it was the result of a sustained period of self-contemplation.

He said: “It was 4am, and I’d been staring at myself in the mirror for, I don’t know, three hours or something, just wondering, ‘What the Hell are you?'”

“I was thinking ‘I need to change. I have to change.’

“‘Why do I loathe the person looking back at me?’

“Suddenly it struck me. I had too much bare skin between my nostrils and my upper lip.

“Then I turned off the light and went to bed.”

Asked as to whether he felt anything else should change, Farage said flatly: “No. Now that I’ve got the moustache, I am finally complete and totally perfect.”