Rail companies declare war on Christmas passengers


BRITAIN’S rail companies have declared all out war on anyone travelling at Christmas.

The train operators have lost patience with the public’s stubborn refusal to stay at home and now intend to defeat them with wave after wave of cancellations, detours and gratuitous price hikes.

Train company director Martin Bishop said: “If a train even arrives it will be so packed that many will give up rather than stand for five hours while your fellow scum keep bumping into you with stupidly large suitcases.

“Once in transit we’ll make you swear never to travel by train again with engineering works that take you from London to Bournemouth via Llandudno.

“And if you somehow make it home, we will get you on the way back.”

Passenger Donna Sheridan said: “I’ll get to York even if I have to change four times and pay a penalty fare they made up specially for Christmas.

“However, we seem to be moving at one mile per hour and the train now terminates in Colchester. I think I’ll just go home and spend Christmas with some vodka and my cat.”

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Genius sees straight through commercialisation of Christmas

A VISIONARY has seen through all the sentimentality to the cold, capitalist heart of Christmas and is telling everyone to wake up.

Martin Bishop, from North London, says that every part of Christmas tradition, from the tinsel to turkey, is part of a big business masterplan to make us consume more.

He added: “Why do you buy presents for people that they wouldn’t buy for themselves? To get more money into the system.

“Why is all the good telly on? To make you watch the adverts. Why are there so few Malteser Teasers in the Celebrations? To make you buy another tub.

“Everything from the roaring log fire to the mince pie for Santa is there to encourage self-identification as a consumer class and keep the wheels of capitalism turning.

“Read some Noam Chomsky and stay awake, sheeple!”

Turner’s flatmate, Susan Traherne, said: “Hearing Martin peel back the veneer of Christmas to reveal the cold corporate machinery behind it has been a challenging but ultimately liberating experience.

“Just kidding. I think he’s an arse.”