BRITAIN’S rail companies have declared all out war on anyone travelling at Christmas.
The train operators have lost patience with the public’s stubborn refusal to stay at home and now intend to defeat them with wave after wave of cancellations, detours and gratuitous price hikes.
Train company director Martin Bishop said: “If a train even arrives it will be so packed that many will give up rather than stand for five hours while your fellow scum keep bumping into you with stupidly large suitcases.
“Once in transit we’ll make you swear never to travel by train again with engineering works that take you from London to Bournemouth via Llandudno.
“And if you somehow make it home, we will get you on the way back.”
Passenger Donna Sheridan said: “I’ll get to York even if I have to change four times and pay a penalty fare they made up specially for Christmas.
“However, we seem to be moving at one mile per hour and the train now terminates in Colchester. I think I’ll just go home and spend Christmas with some vodka and my cat.”