Rail fares to increase by two inflations and a pay rise

RAIL fares will increase by inflation times two, plus the pathetic little pay rise you are probably not going to get anyway.

Britain’s ‘train companies’ announced an increase of 3.5 percent, while the consumer price index is currently 1.6 percent and wage increases are being paid in coupons for poor quality digestive biscuits.

A spokesman for Great Western said: “We’ve painted some of the trains so that’ll be fifty quid.”

Commuter Tom Logan said: “It’s fine because apparently they’re going to invest in some new trains that are all pointy and shiny. I heard a rumour that one of them has a toilet.”

The Great Western spokesman added: “You can’t afford toilets.”