Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Rationing bog rolls, and other ways 2021 could be even worse

AS we start a new year, everyone is convinced 2021 cannot possibly be as bad as 2020. They’re right. It could be worse:

Rationing bog rolls

After experiencing a run on toilet rolls throughout the first two lockdowns, the government is forced to ration them to one per household per week. Two if you can prove – with a doctor’s note – that you defecate excessively. 

Everything is cancelled – again

Last year saw every major event in the world postponed until this year. So the real shitter would be if they’re all cancelled again. This depressing cycle could go on until Sir Paul McCartney headlines Glastonbury on a zimmer frame and Germany win Euro 2020 in 2057 with a squad of pensioners.

Covid-20

After we finally get a handle on coronavirus, the Wuhan bats release Covid-20. It turns out they’ve been playing the long game. Covid-20 is much more infectious and gives you spots to add insult to injury.

Britain votes to leave planet Earth

After Brexit proves to be a disappointment, Leavers demand another daft nationalistic project, ‘Earthexit’. Worried by Nigel Farage, the government holds another referendum and we somehow vote to leave planet Earth by a landslide of 84 per cent. It’s not clear how any of this will work, but Leave voters are unconcerned about the details, as usual.  

Trump gets back in

After Rudy Giuliani somehow proves most of the Democratic votes in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Georgia were cast by Joe Biden in a series of increasingly elaborate disguises, Trump is immediately reinstalled as president. 

U2 put another album on our phones  

Suddenly, just like in 2014, there’s another U2 album there on our phones. We didn’t ask for it, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The Covid-themed album is pretentious bollocks, but annoyingly catchy and you’ll hum some of it against your will.