Record-breaking dog turd ruins day of 18 people

A SINGLE dog turd has outmatched all predecessors by ruining the days of 18 different people. 

The turd, which was perfectly positioned on a dark, narrow stretch of pavement between a wall and cars near a primary school in Stoke-on-Trent, successfully befouled 23 shoes, two cars and three carpets.

Norman Steele of the Kennel Club said: “Talk about spreading the wealth.

“Whether it’s a busy mum warning her five-year-old to avoid it and consequently sending him straight into it like it was an order, or a workman tracking shit through the nearby pub, everyone got into this monster.

“It didn’t matter if you were running for the bus and stepping sustainably in three smears left by others or if you were three miles away and only realised when the kids were in the front room stinking of it. It got everywhere.

“What an incredible boost for the school shoe, washing-up sponge, carpet-cleaning and car valet industries. And all from one dog’s rectum.”

Wayne Hayes, owner of the bull mastiff that laid the turd, said: “What? It wasn’t anything to do with me or Fury. You can’t prove nothing. Fuck off.”