Record-breaking dog turd ruins day of 18 people

A SINGLE dog turd has outmatched all predecessors by ruining the days of 18 different people. 

The turd, which was perfectly positioned on a dark, narrow stretch of pavement between a wall and cars near a primary school in Stoke-on-Trent, successfully befouled 23 shoes, two cars and three carpets.

Norman Steele of the Kennel Club said: “Talk about spreading the wealth.

“Whether it’s a busy mum warning her five-year-old to avoid it and consequently sending him straight into it like it was an order, or a workman tracking shit through the nearby pub, everyone got into this monster.

“It didn’t matter if you were running for the bus and stepping sustainably in three smears left by others or if you were three miles away and only realised when the kids were in the front room stinking of it. It got everywhere.

“What an incredible boost for the school shoe, washing-up sponge, carpet-cleaning and car valet industries. And all from one dog’s rectum.”

Wayne Hayes, owner of the bull mastiff that laid the turd, said: “What? It wasn’t anything to do with me or Fury. You can’t prove nothing. Fuck off.”

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Man starts another pointless f**king project

A MAN has started another stupid fucking waste of time, he has confirmed. 

Nathan Muir, 37, has decided to become a part-time antique dealer and now spends his weekend at charity shops and car boot sales rummaging through a load of shit  which he believes he can sell for a profit on eBay.

He said: “I’ve got an eye for this kind of thing. I can always spot the gems on Flog It!

“It’s a lot more suited to me than my last project of turning the spare room into a games room, which turned out to be too big a task for one man to take on and also I lost interest.

“I’ve already picked up a jug which the internet says isn’t Clarice Cliff but I’m confident is, a framed picture of an owl which could go for a grand easy, and a chair. Though if I’m honest I’m not sure about the chair.

“This won’t be like restoring that motorbike, or my Primeval fanzine, or when I decided to start collecting Hot Wheels. This time it’s different.”

Partner Emma Bradford said: “The thing is, most of the shit you see in charity shops has already been picked over by experts and is priced at two quid for a reason.

“Still, it gives me more time at the weekends for my current project of still sleeping with my ex.”