Religious Belief Makes You Smile Like A Psycho Killer, Say Experts

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

Researchers said people of faith have a more optimistic outlook and are able to cope better with stressful situations such as divorce, unemployment and dismembering a body in the bath.

The study also found that devout Christians developed a serene, far away look in their eyes, which suggested they were either at peace, or wondering whether to grill or pan fry your internal organs.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Atheists tend to smile in that resigned, world-weary fashion that makes you think they're normal people just like you. The Germans call it WELTSCHMERZ!

"Meanwhile, those who attend Church regularly smile in that sweet, generous and strangely unflinching way that makes you think they're about to plunge an ice pick into your chest."

But Wayne Hayes, a volunteer parishioner at the First Evangelical Church in Savannah, Georgia, dismissed the findings, adding: "My dear, why nothin' could be further from the truth.

"My oh my, you surely do have some silly notions runnin' around inside that head of yours.

"Now, 'fore I forget, I do believe I have a copy of that book concernin' the Revelation of St Paul that you were so very keen to be a borrowin'.

"Come and help me look for it in the basement."

 

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Monocle Grease And Penny Farthing Oil Removed From Inflation Basket

TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.

The new basket will include a range of modern, everyday purchases including spats, violin cases and sheet music for Dixieland jazz.

Officials say they want to bring the consumer price index up to date without going so far as to include things that people actually buy.

A Treasury spokesman said: "There are two kinds of inflation. There's the inflation we talk about on the news, which generally hovers around the 2% mark.

"Then there's the inflation that you pay in the shops, and God only knows what that is."

He added: "Have you seen the price of petrol? In the name of fuck! Thank Christ I work for the government."

Minsters are revamping a range of official indices, with the London Media Twat Index updated to include Inca hats and books about Afghanistan.
 
From April the Index for People with Constipation will include muffins, fruit smoothies and the Daily Express.

Meanwhile the Index of Annoying Pricks has been expanded to include the word 'methinks'.