A REPORT into obesity has been condemned as ‘incredibly rude’ after calling British women fat.
Campaigners said the report had ignored a range of internationally recognised terms including ‘cheeksome’ ‘oomph-tastic’ and ‘having enough personality to smother a buffalo’.
Nikki Hollis, Britain’s fourth jolliest woman, said: “This report was obviously written by some scrawny bitch who pukes donuts into her handbag.
“She’s probably too scared to have a baby in case it bursts out of her tiny stomach like something out of Alien.”
Lead researcher, Dr Helen Archer, said: “That wasn’t very jolly.”
The department of health pledged that if women became less bubbly through diet and exercise it would consider giving them a free Morecambe and Wise DVD to help maintain their levels of cheerfulness.
Meanwhile the United Nations’ International Panel on Body Words has called for all sides to agree a ‘framework of description’ that was both upbeat and ‘an accurate representation of volume’.
A spokesman said: “We were thinking ‘chunky monkey’.”