Rest of week written off

BRITAIN has agreed that this week is a total waste of everyone’s time.

Following Bank Holiday weekend weather inspired by Blade Runner, the country’s work force looked Tuesday squarely in the face and declared a resounding ‘nope’.

Office unit Nikki Hollis said: “I’m going to have a forty-five minute pee while I check out my messages on Twitter.

“After that I’m going to accidentally drop my pen under my desk and then curl up next to it for the rest of the day.”

The public has been advised to avoid any interaction with organisations and if the mood continues to deteriorate, emergency legislation will be passed to officially abandon everything until next Monday.

Meanwhile, there have been calls to replace Bank Holidays by just giving everyone some extra days off that they can take when it actually suits them.

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Search for roast lunch enters third county

A COUPLE’S quest to find a pub serving Sunday roasts has entered its third county without success.

Joseph and Anna Turner, from Bristol, decided that a proper roast, with all the trimmings, would be perfect for whiling away their Sunday afternoon.

But on finding every gastropub in their immediate area already full of people with the same idea, they set off on a harrowing journey.

Joseph said: “We headed into Somerset, where the pace of life is relaxed like the Mediterranean, but couldn’t find a pub that was even open. Maybe they’re all Christians.

“Anna suggested the Cotswolds, where they must have places that do food later because Kate Moss lives there. But after the 55-mile drive we discovered Gloucestershire had run out of Yorkshire puddings.

“We’re now dashing towards Wiltshire, but it’s half-one and I’m becoming deranged. Every flattened badger looks delicious.”