Restaurant couple clearly on a voucher

A COMMON-LOOKING couple in a fancy restaurant were only there because of an internet voucher, according to fellow diners.

The overdressed pair were disconcertingly excitable because of underlying nervousness, according to regular patrons of Rovelli’s in Bloomsbury.

Carolyn Ryan, a corporate consultant, said: “Everything about them screamed ‘50% off’.

“They were talking in broad estuary accents, switching to ridiculous pseudo-posh tones when the waiter came to take their order.

“My suspicions were confirmed when they cut the bread rolls with a butter knife.”

Solicitor Denys Finch Hatton said: “If it wasn’t for certain websites offering a two-for-one deal on the Wagyu porterhouse, I would never have to look at people like that except when they are fixing my boiler or driving me in a taxi.

“Our entire societal infrastructure is under threat from coupons.”

Restaurant manager Emma Bradford said: “We’re keen to encourage new customers to Rovelli’s, because nothing says ‘welcome’ like the thinly-veiled hostility of people who have paid full price for a steak.”

After the couple left a tip based on the cost of their voucher rather than the non-discounted bill, Bradford added that they were subhuman scum who should be chased into the sea.

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Magic mushrooms help to hallucinate home ownership

MAGIC mushrooms could help people to hallucinate they are on the property ladder.

After magic mushrooms were shown to help in the treatment of anxiety, scientists believe they can make people imagine they own a nice house with a fancy kitchen.

Researcher Dr Stephen Malley said: “In our most successful experiment, a man believed he was relaxing in his £750,000, eight-bedroom house in Cheshire. In fact he was sitting on a crate in the middle of a car park in Doncaster.”

However Malley warned there were risks, such as people thinking they were stepping out through their patio doors when they were actually climbing out of a window on the 19th storey of a tower block.

Test subject Tom Logan said: “My depressing bedsit turned into a big detached house in the Lake District, although I’m not sure what Elmer Fudd was doing there.

“I think the dose was too high though, because eyeballs and demons started coming out of a blazing vagina that suddenly appeared in my automatic garage door.”