Retired ‘scabs’ return to break one last rail strike

THE government is to combat rail strikes by putting together a crack team of retired ‘scabs’.

The team is lead by former train driver and scab, Martin ‘Blackleg’ Bishop, who once crossed eight picket lines in a day in the summer of 1973.

Bishop said: “When I got the call from Cameron I said, ‘I’m retired, my scab days are behind me’. Then he offered me more money, which I couldn’t resist because I’m a total scab.”

Bishop has also recruited legendary scabs Norman ‘Strike-breaker’ Steele and Roy ‘Capitalist Stooge’ Hobbs.

He added: “These guys are still passionate about undermining the power of collective bargaining.”

Steele will be in charge of transportation, while Hobbs specialises in taking massive amounts of foul-mouthed abuse.

Hobbs said: “It’s my last chance to be called a bastard by some filthy Marxist in a donkey jacket.”

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Pizza Express tips going to radical pro-middle class group

TIPS given to waiters in Pizza Express are funding the middle class equivalent of Class War, it has emerged.

A percentage of the bourgeois restaurant’s gratuities is being siphoned to Nice Cheese, a radical middle class group whose agenda includes banning any films that do not star Eddie Redmayne.

A source said: “As you always suspected, Pizza Express has a dark secret agenda.

“Your small change is being used to fund a collective of well-mannered cottage owners who want to ban all fried chicken, theme parks and any tattoos that don’t have an obvious retro aesthetic.

“As the name suggests, they are particularly hard on processed cheese and any food that does not have a farmer biography on the packaging.

“They obsessively pursue middle class values and believe that all short, stocky men should be forced to live underground in a tunnel marked ‘Tradesmen Only’.

“However they are fine with pizzas, provided they come from a special oven and don’t have sausage in the crust.”

Pizza Express regular and architect Julian Cook said: “I initially wanted my tips to go to the waiter, but only because I didn’t want him and his ilk to rise up against me.

“I would actually pay part of my salary to a group that made sure service workers and tradesmen behaved with appropriate deference, as long as it was kept secret.”