Retirement Plan Welcomed By Demented, Half-Blind 84 Year-Old Heart Surgeon

BRITAIN’S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

Bill McKay, former head of cardiac surgery at Peterborough Royal Infirmary, said he hoped to pick up where he left off, attempting to perform a quadruple bypass on a 52 year-old bank manager by going in via his rectum.

The government wants to scrap retirement and slash Britain’s soaring pension bill by ensuring that thousands of tax payers are killed every day by a new army of mentally incapable old people making catastrophic decisions.

Dr McKay, who insists he killed less than 60 people in his last year at work, said: “Is that you Margaret? Come here I want to open up your chest and look for my keys.

“What you have to remember is that heart surgery can be done by anyone at any time and at any age.

“It’s a bit like gutting a fish, except I use a hacksaw and a giant novelty spoon. Will I get a parking space for my giraffe?”

Roy Hobbs, an 87 year-old former bus driver from Exeter, said: “I do miss drivin’ the old number 18. Before them upstairs told me to leave, my favourite thing was hearin’ all them cars bouncin’ off the side of me bus as I pulled out into the fast lane on the M5.

“Them upstairs said I wasn’t supposed to use the M5, but it was nice and straight with none o’ them corners. Don’t like corners.”

Meanwhile Alex Ferguson, an 89 year-old football manager form Cheshire, said: “Fuckin’ basturts can get tae fuck. Where’s ma custard creams?”

Dr McKay added: “Margaret, there’s wee all over the floor. It wasn’t me though, it was that dreadful Mr Attlee.

“Naughty prime minister! Back in your box!”


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Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Success in the Dragon’s Den as you secure £500,000 worth of investment in your machine that fires snakes at Duncan Bannatyne.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Always remember that you’re just a single pulse in the beam of a higher energy, a shared thought in the collective consciousness of the universe and that love is the only universal truth. You dozy shitehawk.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Bismillah! NO! We will not let you go! Well, that parole hearing could have gone better.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No matter how irreplaceable you may think you are, bear in mind you can always be substituted by a lookalike for a third of the cost. A Welsh lookalike, no less.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
That one with Owen Wilson and the one from Friends – not the one who looks like a crow, the other one – and I think there’s a dog in it? That’s what your week’s going to be like.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week the librarian tears your membership card into dozens of tiny pieces and tosses them into your weeping face because you attempted to take out a John Grisham novel. You’re lucky she didn’t kick your genitals clean off.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
No Sicilian can ever refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day. So why not ask him to turn his criminal empire over to you and fuck off back to Palermo.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’ve had a word with Jesus and he’s told me to tell you that you were a total waste of nails.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Warning bells should be ringing this week when Channel 5 say they want to make a documentary about your family.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Everyone thinks the sun shines out of your arse but it’s actually a condom stuffed full of glow worms.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A tricky one this week as you draw I, S, T, I, N, G  and F while playing scrabble with your gran. Tell her it’s another word for crochet.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Nobody is going to take you seriously if you continue to smell of midfielder’s balls.