BRITAIN’S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.
Bill McKay, former head of cardiac surgery at Peterborough Royal Infirmary, said he hoped to pick up where he left off, attempting to perform a quadruple bypass on a 52 year-old bank manager by going in via his rectum.
The government wants to scrap retirement and slash Britain’s soaring pension bill by ensuring that thousands of tax payers are killed every day by a new army of mentally incapable old people making catastrophic decisions.
Dr McKay, who insists he killed less than 60 people in his last year at work, said: “Is that you Margaret? Come here I want to open up your chest and look for my keys.
“What you have to remember is that heart surgery can be done by anyone at any time and at any age.
“It’s a bit like gutting a fish, except I use a hacksaw and a giant novelty spoon. Will I get a parking space for my giraffe?”
Roy Hobbs, an 87 year-old former bus driver from Exeter, said: “I do miss drivin’ the old number 18. Before them upstairs told me to leave, my favourite thing was hearin’ all them cars bouncin’ off the side of me bus as I pulled out into the fast lane on the M5.
“Them upstairs said I wasn’t supposed to use the M5, but it was nice and straight with none o’ them corners. Don’t like corners.”
Meanwhile Alex Ferguson, an 89 year-old football manager form Cheshire, said: “Fuckin’ basturts can get tae fuck. Where’s ma custard creams?”
Dr McKay added: “Margaret, there’s wee all over the floor. It wasn’t me though, it was that dreadful Mr Attlee.
“Naughty prime minister! Back in your box!”