Richard III to pick up where he left off

THE skeleton of Richard III has vowed to re-boot the Wars of the Roses and slaughter his rivals to the throne. 

'Also, I have no organs and am invincible'

‘Also, I have no organs and am invincible’

The exhumed king said he was delighted to be back before pledging ‘a torrent of Lancastrian blood that will turn the mill-wheels of Preston’.

He added: “I want to check out the Leicester restaurant scene, catch up on some paperwork and then disembowel all those who would deny my claim.

“I have also ordered a horse off the internet.”

The last king of the House of York revealed that having a curved spine and a club foot is a lot easier to cope with when you are just a skeleton.

“The hunchback was mostly fat. Now it’s gone I’m very nimble. But I am still really angry, so I guess it wasn’t all about the hump.

“I’ve read a couple of articles saying that I was actually quite nice and that Shakespeare was unfair.

“He wasn’t. I am fucked up and I am coming to get your children.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, said: “Excellent. I was hoping this would activate some ancient curse that would wipe out half the country.”

Richard III added: “My friend Dan Snow tells me you are now ruled by Germans. We shall see about that.”