Richard III to pick up where he left off

THE skeleton of Richard III has vowed to re-boot the Wars of the Roses and slaughter his rivals to the throne. 

The exhumed king said he was delighted to be back before pledging ‘a torrent of Lancastrian blood that will turn the mill-wheels of Preston’.

He added: “I want to check out the Leicester restaurant scene, catch up on some paperwork and then disembowel all those who would deny my claim.

“I have also ordered a horse off the internet.”

The last king of the House of York revealed that having a curved spine and a club foot is a lot easier to cope with when you are just a skeleton.

“The hunchback was mostly fat. Now it’s gone I’m very nimble. But I am still really angry, so I guess it wasn’t all about the hump.

“I’ve read a couple of articles saying that I was actually quite nice and that Shakespeare was unfair.

“He wasn’t. I am fucked up and I am coming to get your children.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, said: “Excellent. I was hoping this would activate some ancient curse that would wipe out half the country.”

Richard III added: “My friend Dan Snow tells me you are now ruled by Germans. We shall see about that.”

 

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Stephen Fry breeding uncontrollably in Australian Outback

QI HOST Stephen Fry is overwhelming Australia’s native wildlife, it has emerged.

A breeding pair of Stephen Frys was exported to Australia in 1993, in an effort to introduce erudite wit.

However Fry’s rapid breeding cycle and voracious appetite for rodents have become a threat to the country’s ecology.

Australian prime minister Julia Gillard said: “If you see a Stephen Fry in your garden, hit it repeatedly with a rake until you hear a squelch.”