Roads full of men with strong but conflicting opinions about how to drive on ice

MEN all know exactly how to drive on ice but strongly disagree about how it’s done, it has emerged.

As widespread snow is followed by treacherous icy driving conditions, millions of men aged between 34 and 71 confirmed that they know precisely how to handle the situation.

Accountant Roy Hobbs said: “People make a big fuss about driving on what is basically a sheet of glass, but it’s actually a doddle.

“You’ve got to stay in second gear and lightly touch the wheel with your fingertips as if it were a very hot jacket potato. Also you have to wear special ‘hi-grip Plastex’ driving shoes, and listen to Albatross by Fleetwood Mac because it keeps you calm but focused.”

He added: “Carry some gerbils in your pocket because they emit heat and also if you get stranded you can eat them as a protein snack. Common sense, really.”

However broadband installer Wayne Hayes said: “That’s totally wrong. The key is using the I.C.E. technique, which stands for ‘Ice Car Easy’.

“You drive much faster than usual because the ice has a refracted glacialisation differential, so when the speedo says 80 you’re actually only doing 30 because of the wheels spinning faster, or something.

“Also I drive a white van with my employer’s name stencilled on it, which is the motoring equivalent of an invincibility spell.”

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Woman who calls all her exes 'mental' hasn't realised she is common denominator

A WOMAN angry that none of her relationships ever work has failed to take into account that she comprises 50 per cent of them.

Carolyn Ryan, aged 33, complains endlessly about all of the dreadful bastards she has dated who have ruined everything while not realising there is a single linking factor.

She said: “Ever since my first boyfriend, who left me because I had that very brief thing with his dad, it’s been an endless parade of unreasonable heartbreakers.

“All my friends have managed to remain in stable, long term relationships with sane partners, but I just seem to attract nutjobs who freak out at me for no reason when I’ve borrowed their car for a few days. Because I needed it.”

Ryan added: “Usually I dump them as soon as I detect a fault, but a few have finished with me.

“One guy claimed talking to me made him feel like he was losing his mind. What a weirdo.”