Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery

BRITAIN’S rock climbers had a satisfying weekend of fear and physical discomfort, they have announced.

Climbers have returned to work refreshed after indulging their passion for painstaking safety preparations, extreme physical exertion and psychological stress.

Accountant Tom Logan said: “Last week was really hectic, so the first thing I wanted to do on Saturday was get up at 6am and drive miles so I could haul myself up a vertical surface.

“I’m not sure what I enjoy most about climbing. Checking ropes, nervously looking for things to grab onto, feeling the tendons in your fingers stretch to breaking point – it’s all good.

“When you reach the top you get an incredible sense of still being alive. And your climbing companions will share that feeling, unless you’ve made some terrible mistake and they’re marooned hundreds of feet below on a precipice.”

Office manager Nikki Hollis said: “Rock climbing is the best exercise there is because you’re completely knackered just from putting all your equipment in the car.

“I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who thinks the gym would be more fun if the floor could suddenly disappear leaving a massive, potentially deadly drop covered in sharp hard things.

“There’s a great sense of camaraderie too, because most people don’t have a hobby that’s something most people would only do if trying to escape from a prisoner of war camp.”

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Man absolutely determined to start Leicester backlash

A MAN’S social media campaign against Leicester is going nowhere, it has emerged.

Roy Hobbs has vowed to keep going on about how Leicester City went into administration in 2003 and posting YouTube clips of crowd trouble at Filbert Street in the 1980s to Facebook “until people wake up to the media lies”.

Hobbs said: “People keep calling it a fairy tale. Well, it’s a fairy tale in which Prince Charming jabs his finger in a match official’s face after being sent off for diving – and I don’t remember that from Disney.

“I feel it is my duty to point out that had Leicester been hit by the sort of point deductions for fiscal incontinence that Leeds United and others suffered, they would now be in League One where they belong.”

Hobb’s co-worker Mary Fisher said: “Roy is a twat. This is the feel-good story of the century and the greatest sporting upset since the world began.

“Hooray for the plucky Foxes and their stadium that is romantically named after a chain of duty-free shops.”