Royal Tunbridge Wells, and other town names that can get the f**k over themselves

DO you live somewhere with a stupid and, frankly, poncy name? Here are six insufferably pretentious town names that need to get a grip on themselves.

Royal Tunbridge Wells

Edward VII only gave three towns the prefix ‘Royal’ – this one, Leamington Spa and Wootton Bassett. It’s important to note that they were all called something needlessly up themselves to begin with, just to lure the royal family in. That’s why there’s no Royal Knutsford.

Upton Snodsbury

What would possess you to live in a place that sounds like a name given to an aristocrat in a lesser Monty Python sketch? It’s only a few letters away from being called ‘Uppity Snobbery’, which presumably describes the character of most of the locals.


Most towns have rid themselves of their associations with the French (and for good reason – they’re snooty bastards). Not Ashby-de-la-Zouch, which sounds like the name of a twat who’d go with you to a fancy restaurant just to correct your pronunciation of ‘bouillabaisse’.

Cleobury Mortimer

It’s excessive to give a town two upper-class names. ‘Cleobury’ is the kind of thing you’d call your daughter because the private school you want to send her to is already filled to the brim with Ophelias and Arabellas, while ‘Mortimer’ is what you’d name a posh dog.

Ottery St Mary

A place so in love with itself that it’s named after an adorable animal? Piss off with that. You don’t see Stoke calling itself ‘Badgery’ or ‘Squirrelly’, and that’s because it’s a proper town and not a character that lives in Enid Blyton’s Magic Faraway Tree.

Saffron Walden

Saffron? F**king Saffron? Just because Henry VIII granted you a charter to be named after the most expensive spice in the world, it doesn’t make you special, you lah-di-dah wankers.

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Woman supporting local business by going to Starbucks down the road

A WOMAN who is keen to support her local economy does so by frequenting the Starbucks near her house.

Lauren Hewitt understands the importance of giving back to her community, which is why she goes to to the closest outlet of the global corporation rather than one in the centre of town.

Hewitt said: “I love the cosy atmosphere of my local Starbucks. It definitely has a much more artisanal feel than the almost identical one in the shopping centre.

“I know all the baristas by name, or at least by reading their name badges. They’re all on zero hours contracts so I rarely see the same one twice, but it’s nice to try and build a relationship with them in the ten seconds it takes me to order a drink.

“There’s an independent café next door to my Starbucks which I like because it brings some diversity and character to the high street. But I never go in because the one time I did the owner asked me how my day was. Seemed a bit overfamiliar.

“Still, I’d be sad if it shut down. But not sad enough to forego a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino in a cup the size of my head every day. Ah, the authentic taste of real coffee.”