JK Rowling made patron saint of mad internet boomers

OLDER middle-aged social media users who lose their minds have named JK Rowling their official leader.

Having dropped traditional hobbies in favour of posting ill-informed, inflammatory views on niche subjects, boomers have chosen the Harry Potter author as their approved figurehead.

Susan Traherne, aged 59, said: “Like most people my age, I started out with a some slightly bigoted posts in the Daily Mail comments section before pivoting to joining Facebook groups dedicated to conspiracy theories about Meghan Markle.

“I’ve lately branched out to Twitter where the done thing is fixating on a topic you have little understanding of, obsessively tweeting about it, and then playing the victim when people say you’re acting like a dick. It’s a lot more fun than gardening.

“And I’m thrilled that we now have spiritual protection and guidance from the Grand High Tweeter herself. It makes me feel like less of an awful person when I’m encouraging unpleasant pile-ons of minority groups.

“It’s turns out it’s true that you get more right-wing with age, and with it, more likely to say batshit mental or highly offensive things. But at least I’m saying them on Twitter, which you can switch off, rather than at the cheese counter in Tesco.”

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A disappointingly linear narrative groaning with reactionary tropes - The Guardian reviews porn

GUARDIAN film reviewer Peter Bradshaw turns his critical gaze to [POV] – big tit milf blows pizza guy and swallows, which he finds to be disappointingly predictable.

Not even the two prominent talents of Pornhub stalwart Angela White and the directorial team at Brazzers can salvage this lacklustre outing, which fails to further the pornography format or leave the viewer feeling anything other than degraded or depressed.

Things start badly then get worse. Angela White answers the door wearing next to nothing and the plot proceeds to play out as you would imagine. It’s a disappointingly linear narrative, especially considering other pornos are experimenting with the cumpilation format. Also the first person perspective is tired at this point and can barely sustain the 32 minute 56 second runtime.

The poor characterisation is inexcusable, too. Who is the pizza delivery guy? What does he want? The writers, if they exist, clearly haven’t studied the 12 steps of the Hero’s Journey. Instead they’ve replaced them with lengthy sequences of almost mechanical fellatio which overstay their welcome.

Unsurprisingly, this film fails the Bechdel test, meaning I cannot recommend it as a Guardian journalist. This is not Ms White’s fault. One fears that even if she were accompanied by Jasmine James or Riley Reid, their dialogue would still be phallocentric and do little to further the feminist cause.

After the hero expels his seed the film comes to an abrupt close with none of the thematic elements established in the first act getting a payoff. Is the pizza delivered successfully? Is it a metaphor for consumerist ideals failing to quell the urges of human instinct? It’s never made clear.

Ultimately this is a disappointing watch and viewers would be better off watching something more esoteric instead like real amateur housewives or hentai.

Verdict: two stars