Monday, 19th April 2021

Sadiq Khan's guide to a legal weed London

I’M SADIQ Khan, the Mayor of London who’s proposed decriminalising cannabis to piss Boris off. Come with me on a journey around my legal weed capital. 

The West End

What a dazzling array of shows to see and shops to explore, but what’s this? An empty Angus Steakhouse? Why, what an ideal place for a cannabis dispensary! Imagine how we could rip off hopelessly befuddled tourists. Imagine how much more sense the M&M Store would make stoned.

The South Bank

An open-air space of skateboarders, food trucks, art galleries and experimental theatre could only be enhanced by pop-up vendors of artisanal legal skunk. I can see the buyers now: staggering down the river, stopping for a spliff on the Thames shore wondering if they’re the only one seeing the Shard, finally understanding what the f**k’s in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

Islington and North London

What truly marks you out as a member of the liberal elite if not retiring to the summerhouse for a couple of bong hits after your dinner party? And wouldn’t it be even more thrillingly metropolitan if it were Deliveroo or Uber Weeds bringing round a selection, not just a dodgy bloke in a puffa jacket who changes his mobile number every three weeks?

The Square Mile

Coked-up City traders are the lifeblood of London, but their frantic antics have brought the whole country to the verge of total economic collapse a couple of times. What could be better for them than clouds of legal weed to pausing trading to watch a ladybird climbing a dew-soaked leaf in the haze of dawn?

South of the River

Weed is already legal here. We’d just be formalising it.

The Regions

By which I mean the unimportant 99.35 per cent of Britain that isn’t London. Think how exceptional it would make us, in comparison. How jealous they’d be. How once again their best and their brightest would have no choice but to move here to smoke up. Because if London is truly about anything, it’s about draining this country dry.