Sadiq Khan's guide to a legal weed London

I’M SADIQ Khan, the Mayor of London who’s proposed decriminalising cannabis to piss Boris off. Come with me on a journey around my legal weed capital. 

The West End

What a dazzling array of shows to see and shops to explore, but what’s this? An empty Angus Steakhouse? Why, what an ideal place for a cannabis dispensary! Imagine how we could rip off hopelessly befuddled tourists. Imagine how much more sense the M&M Store would make stoned.

The South Bank

An open-air space of skateboarders, food trucks, art galleries and experimental theatre could only be enhanced by pop-up vendors of artisanal legal skunk. I can see the buyers now: staggering down the river, stopping for a spliff on the Thames shore wondering if they’re the only one seeing the Shard, finally understanding what the f**k’s in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.

Islington and North London

What truly marks you out as a member of the liberal elite if not retiring to the summerhouse for a couple of bong hits after your dinner party? And wouldn’t it be even more thrillingly metropolitan if it were Deliveroo or Uber Weeds bringing round a selection, not just a dodgy bloke in a puffa jacket who changes his mobile number every three weeks?

The Square Mile

Coked-up City traders are the lifeblood of London, but their frantic antics have brought the whole country to the verge of total economic collapse a couple of times. What could be better for them than clouds of legal weed to pausing trading to watch a ladybird climbing a dew-soaked leaf in the haze of dawn?

South of the River

Weed is already legal here. We’d just be formalising it.

The Regions

By which I mean the unimportant 99.35 per cent of Britain that isn’t London. Think how exceptional it would make us, in comparison. How jealous they’d be. How once again their best and their brightest would have no choice but to move here to smoke up. Because if London is truly about anything, it’s about draining this country dry.

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Six popular song lyrics that are batshit crazy in retrospect

MUSIC fan? Ever listened to the lyrics of a song you love and thought ‘wait – what the f**k’? These songs are, on close attention, completely deranged: 

Yellow by Coldplay

I swam across / I jumped across for you / What a thing to do / ’Cause you were all yellow

Yellow is a hard colour to sell in a love song, associated as it is with piss. Chris Martin gets off to an okay start, saying that stars are yellow, which kind of, and that the song is called Yellow which is tautalogical but accurate. But when he starts hinting his lover might possibly have jaundice, that’s weird.

Earth Song by Michael Jackson

What about elephants? / Have we lost their trust? 

Lost their trust? Did Jacko borrow a fiver from a pachyderm and not pay it back? In the wider context of a song about perpetual human suffering and a ravaged earth bringing up one specific animal and questioning whether it would still vouch for us is mental even for him.

Buck Rogers by Feeder

We’ll start over again, / Grow ourselves new skin / Get a house in Devon, / Drink cider from a lemon / But I don’t wanna talk about it anymore

The lyric that makes most sense is not wanting to talk about it any more, because it’s incomprehensible. Why would you put an apple-based drink in a lemon? Literally any county/food combination would fit better. ‘Get a house in Surrey, drink cider with a curry’. There, you guitar-thrashing muppets.

Happy by Pharrell Williams

Because I’m happy / Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Having already claimed to be like a ‘hot-air balloon that could go to space’, which no because physics, Pharrell goes on to assert that a roofless room is his happy place. Really? A room where the rain comes in? Where the sun beats down? A room that quite frankly isn’t much of a room at all? And you expect us to clap along?

Stayin’ Alive by The Bee Gees

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk / I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk

Coked-up helium-voiced nonsense. If some twat with a stupid walk asked if you could tell it meant he was a ‘woman’s man’, you’d honestly be left wanting for any possible reply.

Human by The Killers

Are we human? / Or are we dancer? 

Repeat offenders, because ‘open up my eager eyes / I’m Mr Brightside’ means bugger all when you think about it, this lyric is not only lunatic babbling but ungrammatical. We are human. We are not ‘dancer’. Glad that’s settled.