‘Saint Andrew’ just another name for Loch Ness monster

SCOTLAND is taking the day off to worship its water dinosaur, it has emerged.

Saint Andrew’s Day is a Scottish bank holiday during which monster-based rituals and sacrifices are thinly disguised behind some vague Bible stuff.

Scotsman Roy Hobbs said: “‘Saint Andrew’ is just another name for the mighty dinosaur, who is also known as ‘Auld Snakie’ and ‘Big Billy Ness’. It sounds a bit more ‘proper’, you know? And more human too, I suppose.”

Hobbs added: “He is our long-necked master. It is said that our ancestors captured him in their fishing nets, but released him in exchange for the Irn Bru recipe.

“Every year we must give thanks. High priestess Sturgeon will spill a virgin’s blood onto the shore of the loch while our bagpipes mimic the mating call of the plesiosaur.

“Then there’s a massive piss up, of course.”