Satan quits over Debenhams Christmas advert

THE devil has given up after admitting that the Debenhams Christmas advert is more evil than anything he could have conceived.

Satan said: “Truly it is a symphony of malevolence.

“The children alone in a massive shop, presumably because they have murdered their parents, grasping and clawing at consumer baubles in their search for the ultimate trinket.

“Tearing at wrapping paper with their claw-like little hands. They must have gifts! Nothing will stop them.

“And in the background – the masterstroke – The Frog Chorus plays! Could there be a more fitting soundtrack to mankind’s spiritual demise than a Paul McCartney song about amphibians?

“Because pond life is what you all have become.”

Satan added: “For aeons I have been trying to propagate wickedness, but the best I have managed is ITV2 and banning people from transferring valid parking tickets to other drivers.

“Humans created this without my help. The pupils have become the masters. I’m off to drink myself to death in a Travelodge.”

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Scots wondering how England rigged whisky contest

SCOTLAND has blamed England for being bad at the one thing it is supposed to be good at it.

As Scotland failed to make the top five in the world whisky championships, the nation said England had been sneaking around, doing horrible, English things in the middle of the night.

Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland’s deputy first minister, said: “What did you do to our whisky? Did you pee in it, you bunch of racists?

“If we had voted for independence our whisky would be amazing. Especially the stuff we made 18 years ago.”

She added: “Japanese whisky is so smooth because they no longer have to kowtow to their Chinese colonial masters. Or was it the other way around?”

Sturgeon said the best way for Scotland to combat English whisky sabotage was to become more argumentative.