Saturday, May 19th 2018: A day to clean the fridge

ACROSS the country, British people are readying themselves for a once-in-a-lifetime fridge-cleaning moment.

There are few occasions in an everyday working person’s existence when they seriously consider getting all the shit out of the fridge, putting the really rank stuff into a plastic bag, and then giving it a really thorough wipe down with a bottle of squirty cleaner.

Perhaps even removing the particularly scuzzy see-through drawers, and leaving them to soak in the sink.

For most of us, simply ordinary folk whose lives are seldom touched by mouldy onions and multiple jars of out-of-date curry paste, the days when doing all this seems appealing are very few, and so very far between.

But Saturday is one of those days.

It is a moment in history when a nation united by a lack of normal television will stand up, chests inflated with pride, and say ‘I might as well have a go at the fridge’.

Stephen Malley, just an ordinary honest, working family man from Peterborough, said: “I never thought of fridge cleaning as something that was relevant to my life but there’s something unique and very special about this Saturday that has spoken to me on a very human level and made me go and buy some scourers.”

He added: “I will remove items including the mozzarella ball I bought nine months ago with the vague aspiration of making a nice salad, the old leeks that are starting to decompose, and the tub of Utterly Butterly that for some reason no one has ever thrown away despite it very evidently being empty.

“I will do this, and then I will use hot water and chemicals to make the inside of the fridge good again.

“And I will feel proud.”

Man who hates 'fake-looking' women wants girlfriend with natural 36GG breasts

A MAN who hates the ‘plastic surgery look’ is searching for a girlfriend who has extraordinarily large natural breasts.

Account manager Tom Logan finds surgically enhanced breasts “a complete turn-off”, but still feels extremely large mammaries are crucial to any future relationship.

Logan said: “I went on a date last week with a woman who’d clearly had a breast enlargement and I just couldn’t get into them. Basically it’s a form of cheating.

“I’m just looking for a real woman with big pouty lips, a button nose, tiny waist and disproportionately sized breasts like Jessica Rabbit. Is that too much to ask?

“It’s not as if there’s a shortage of women with ginormous boobs. There are whole websites full of them. Apparently.

“Don’t get me wrong, their personality’s important. If they’ve got awesome bazoomas and like talking about cars too that’s a massive bonus.”

Logan is currently having difficulty finding a woman who meets his exacting standards of being completely natural and having huge tits, but says he will keep looking until he finds “the one”.