School photographs creepy because children are evil

CHILDREN look weird in school photographs because of their evil natures, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that school photography looks odd because children cannot conceal their wickedness while sitting still.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When kids are running around they don’t look that evil, in fact they seem almost joyful.

“But if you get them to sit on a bench for a few minutes they struggle to maintain the facade of cuteness and their chilling, cold-hearted nature seeps out through their eyes.

“School photographers usually last about three months before going fully insane.”

Nine-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Everyone thinks I am delightful because of my small stature and pigtails.

“Yesterday I fed a goldfish to a cat, then threw the cat into a river.”

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Ask Holly: Why have I brought back grammar schools?

Dear Holly,

Something strange is going on. Basically, I say one thing but actually mean the complete opposite: it’s really rather odd. So, for example, as I said last year, I am really against selective education and won’t be reinstating grammar schools…and yet now I find myself approving the first selective state school in the UK for fifty years. What’s going on with me? Aren’t I silly?!

Nicky Morgan


Dear Nicky,

I would love to go to a posh girls’ school where they wear stupid hats and blazers and fight each other with hockey sticks. I would be called Valentina or Henrietta or something rubbish and I’d ride my pony to school. All the girls would form a hierarchy based on who had the shiniest hair and sometimes we would all faint for no reason. When it was over I would become a London-based media professional with an irritating laugh.

Hope that helps!