Sunday, 27th September 2020

Schools to be renamed 'virus incubators'

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub. 

The UK’s schools, which educate hundreds of pupils a day in classes of up to 30 but are not classified as mass gatherings because it would be inconvenient, will be renamed to reflect their new purpose.

Susan Traherne is the headteacher of Bankside Community Virus Proliferation High School, formerly Bankside A New Hope Co-operative Academy, formerly The Bankside Specialist Sport, Maths and Performing Arts College, formerly Bankside Comprehensive.

She said: “Schools are institutions that shift their function according to government instruction and community need, and right now the government is instructing us that the community needs to get the coronavirus.

“So we’re operating much as we always have, cramming a whole range of kids from across the whole area into small rooms to cough onto each other then sending them home to their families.

“We hope it’ll really make our pupils proud to attend every day. They need something, as they won’t be getting their GCSEs.”