Schools to be renamed 'virus incubators'

SCHOOLS are to be renamed again from St Peter’s New Horizons Aspiration Academy to St Peter’s Deadly Coronavirus Incubator and Transmission Hub. 

The UK’s schools, which educate hundreds of pupils a day in classes of up to 30 but are not classified as mass gatherings because it would be inconvenient, will be renamed to reflect their new purpose.

Susan Traherne is the headteacher of Bankside Community Virus Proliferation High School, formerly Bankside A New Hope Co-operative Academy, formerly The Bankside Specialist Sport, Maths and Performing Arts College, formerly Bankside Comprehensive.

She said: “Schools are institutions that shift their function according to government instruction and community need, and right now the government is instructing us that the community needs to get the coronavirus.

“So we’re operating much as we always have, cramming a whole range of kids from across the whole area into small rooms to cough onto each other then sending them home to their families.

“We hope it’ll really make our pupils proud to attend every day. They need something, as they won’t be getting their GCSEs.”

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Dominic Cummings's so-crazy-they-might-just-work ways to defeat the coronavirus

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

Give the virus a virus

Only a genius-level lateral thinker like me could have thought of this. Tonight I’ll get out my old Thomas Salter chemistry set and create a deadly virus-killing virus that makes the coronavirus cough itself to death. I’ve asked Porton Down to courier over their weaponised smallpox.

Evacuate Earth

We will build three large spaceships to colonise other planets, Ark Fleet Ships A, B and C, with clever people like me in A, the useful workers in C, and people with dubious non-jobs in B. This is so obvious I can’t believe no one thought of it before.

Do what the virus least expects

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War stresses the need to out-think your opponent. We should do what the coronavirus is least expecting by coughing in each other’s faces, licking surfaces on tube trains and replacing handshakes with prolonged French kissing.

Develop ‘shoal’ immunity

I like saying the phrase ‘herd immunity’ because it’s all scientificky and I only have a degree in history. However I prefer ‘shoal immunity’, which I invented myself, because who’s ever heard of fish getting the flu? I’m planning tests in which groups of people walk in the same direction to see if it increases their resistance to coronavirus.

Nuke ourselves

What does the coronavirus need to survive? People. What gets rid of people? Nuclear war. If we just wipe ourselves out with Trident the coronavirus is stuffed. Truly I am a latter-day Alexander cutting the Gordian Knot.