Scientists baffled by job that isn't shit

SCIENTISTS are puzzled by a man whose job is both fairly paid and does not fill him with dread every morning.

43-year-old Tom Logan has confounded experts by having full-time employment that is not fundamentally a heap of shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We believed that the non-shit job was made obsolete in 1968, but Tom seems perfectly happy and even whistles while preparing his sandwiches.

“Meanwhile we are working to find out exactly what he does, but it involves leaving the house on his bike at 8.45am. Possibly it’s gardening, but maybe with a bit of science stuff thrown in to keep it interesting.”

All aspects of Logan’s unique life are being analysed, including him not being massively in debt or consumed by feelings of wasting his life.

Brubaker added: “His manager, Ken, is a normal, decent person who does not get a pathetic ego trip from constantly giving his underlings pointless tasks.

“The strangest thing is that Tom can afford a modest mortgage, when really he should be struggling to rent a box room in a house full of disappointed strangers.

“If we can work out why Tom leads such a charmed existence we may be able to replicate it in the wider world. I emphasise ‘may’ because it’s probably a weird anomaly, like a two-headed snail or one of those carrots that looks like a person.”

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Liz Kendall losing faith in aspiration

LABOUR leadership candidate Liz Kendall is beginning to wonder if aspiration is less effective than she had thought.

Kendall, tenaciously fighting for last place in a field of unparalleled unpopularity, has always firmly believed in the power of aspiration and hard work but is now wondering if she was an idiot all along.

She said: “I have always believed that if you dare to dream, if you put yourself out there and take risks, then you may take knocks but you will be rewarded.

“That’s my vision for the Labour party, and it’s a vision that I’ve come to realise is grievously flawed.

“It turns out that a lifetime’s aspiring isn’t worth shit when the members are going gaga about a lost CND Doctor Who who won’t shop at M&S for reasons of class war.

“Aspiring – or deciding you’d like something, as non-wankers call it – does absolutely shit all for your actual prospects.

“Thank God I won’t become prime minister, because clearly I had it all wrong.”

Roy Hobbs said: “I aspire to the life of Hugh Hefner, which has made no difference to my reality in a Sunderland bedsit with occasional cash-in-hand work exterminating rats.”