Scientists discover most middle class tattoo

THE most middle class tattoo is the word ‘moustache’ in a speech bubble, coming out of a swallow’s mouth, on the wearer’s finger.

The design has been confirmed as the ultimate mix of modern and heritage trends, indicating that the inked person is playful, enjoys hand-made tapenade and has spent at least £50 in Stow-on-the-Wold.

Dr Nathan Muir explained: “Previously, the tattoo was a useful indicator of impending hospitalisation.

“You were dealing with someone who would knock you unconscious with a bar stool and then use it to anally penetrate you before emptying your pockets and having a go on the fruity.

“Meanwhile, meeting a girl with a tattoo was like getting a free pass to Disneyland. If it was full of skanks.

“But now you pick up a woman with a load of wild tribal designs, just to discover the only thing she’s going to blow is a frangipani tea light.”

Francesca Johnson, a Pilates blogger, said “When I first got my swallow, it was a statement of individuality. Then everyone got one, so I added the moustache detail and it became ironic.

“My Granny always hated it, but now she’s thinking about getting her own as someone told her there’s a pop up tattoo parlour at the Conran Shop.”

She added: “I have complained to Westminster City Council.”


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Clegg basically resigns

NICK Clegg has basically resigned from everything he does.

The self-styled deputy prime minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats will continue to ‘hold’ his titles, but he will not ‘be’ them.

The move came as Mr Clegg admitted that he should have gone into coalition with Labour and that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.

He told The House magazine: “It’s all wrong, isn’t it?

“I think I might have suspected it was wrong at the time, but everyone kept saying ‘do this, do that’ and so I just went along with it because I had no experience and it was quite obvious that no-one was going to listen to a word I said.

“From the very beginning it was clear to me that I had no credibility, authority or intellect. I remember at the end of my first week sitting down at my desk and thinking ‘I’m just a haircut in a suit’.

“The blame for this lies squarely with the British people. Why would they vote for someone like that?”

He added: “I’m actually thinking of joining the Labour Party. I wonder if I could be a sort of caretaker deputy prime minister and a member of the shadow cabinet at the same time. I honestly don’t think anyone would mind.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Yeah… we’re probably not going to phone him any more.”

Meanwhile, a Liberal Democrat spokesman said: “Yeah… we’re probably not going to phone him any more.”