Scooter kids seize control of pavements

SCOOTER-RIDING youngsters have made pavements no-go areas for pedestrians, it has emerged.

New data shows a 243% increase in ankle injuries over the past twelve months, with many pedestrians describing a constant sense of menace.

Office manager Mary Fisher said: “The scooterers are generally less than three feet tall, which makes them especially dangerous as they are below one’s eyeline.

“They are constantly lurking on the lower depths of the pavement, like little Ribena-fuelled U boats.

“They operate outside of parental control, firing themselves alongside the pavement while building up enough momentum to snap a shin bone.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies noted that scooter brands are called things like Destroyer, Pulveriser and Massive Pain In The Arse.

He said: “Post-apocalypic stories have often described a future dominated by biker gangs. Actually it will be little mutant kids on scooters, who floor people and then ride off laughing.”

Six-year-old Tom Booker said: “We scooterers live by a strict code of conduct – to be as annoying as possible at all times.

“You can come on the pavement if you want but you have to give us 5p.

“And if you tell us to ‘watch it’ we’ll burst into tears and make you feel really guilty.”

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Life is a competition, confirms God

HUMAN existence is all about being better than everyone else, according to God.

The creator was keen to distance Himself from spirituality and good deeds, asserting that the key thing is amassing vast amounts of material wealth.

God said: “Jesus rather gave the impression that I have something against the rich but while he’s my son and I love the little hippy, he’s talking out of his arse.

“I blame his mother. I wanted him to go to a good school, make important contacts, set up his own multinational to spread the God brand but when you’re born in a barn that closes a lot of doors.

“Had it been up to me I’d have made him cut his hair. But, you know, free will etcetera.

“I’m not saying it was the main reason for his downfall but if he’d had a sensible side parting those Romans might have looked on him differently.”

The Lord pointed to evolution as proof that His grand design was geared toward bigger, stronger and better-looking creatures having all the fun, as well as asking everybody if they could stop crediting Charles Darwin with his invention.

He said that St Peter has very strict instructions on heaven’s admissions policy, which is similar to that of an elite private member’s club.

God added: “It’s eternity, for My sake – do you really think I’d rather spend it with a flower-arranging spinster than Jack Nicholson?”