Scottish teenagers get their weird, creepy exam results

SCOTTISH teenagers are receiving the results of their bizarre and unnatural ‘Higher’ exams.  

The exams, a twisted version of perfectly ordinary GCSEs and A-levels from an alternate timeline, are accepted by Scots as normal but shunned and feared by everyone else. 

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “On her death bed in 1603, Elizabeth I cursed her hated Scotland never to have a functioning education system. 

“The desperate Caledonians made a diabolical bargain with ancient powers from outside our reality, and in return were given qualifications that would drive ordinary teenagers mad. 

“This warped system, in which schoolchildren are given incomprehensible certificates proclaiming them to have ‘Nationals’, ‘Highers’ or ‘Advanced Highers’, continues to this day. 

“To English employers and universities, these are the mark of the Beast. Any CVs which contain them should be burned in a basement at midnight.” 

18-year-old Will McKay of Stirling said: “Aw great, I got all As in my Highers. Now I can shift shape and jump between dimensions.”  

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Anti-vaccination family has built up natural immunity to facts

A FAMILY that refuses all vaccinations has a natural immunity to science and facts, it has emerged.

After being repeatedly exposed to the blindingly obvious yet rejecting it, Tom and Sarah Booker are now resistant to all reasoning.

Booker said: “After years of believing childhood vaccines contain evil ghosts, we have developed total protection against natural laws.

“Even gravity no longer affects us, we have to wear steel boots to stop us floating off into the sky.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of The Institute for Studies said: “By regularly rejecting common sense, the family have become immune to the threat of new knowledge.

“This is actually quite scientific. If anyone were to tell them this, however, it would cause a cognitive dissonance so strong they might die.”