Scouts to earn badge for running an artisan food van

CREATING an aspirational street food brand is one of a series of new scouting badges, it has been confirmed. 

Scout Kyle Stephenson said: “We still have to cook over a camp fire, but then we sell the resulting burgers and sausages from a 60s VW van with the words ‘Munchie Deluxe’ written on the side.

“It’s not so much ‘bob-a-job’ as ‘eight quid for a burger whose provenance can be traced through eight generations of pedigree Jersey heifers.”

However some feel that hunting and erecting makeshift shelters are precisely the kind of things scouts should be learning as the world lurches toward another world war.

Scoutmaster Wayne Hayes said: “Once the Ukraine is a smoking crater and half the planet is reduced to rubble, knowing how to build a camp fire to stave off giant mutant newts is going to come in very handy.”

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People who like their weekends oppose all forms of marriage

BRITONS who prefer weekends without expensive social obligations have opposed gay and straight marriage.

The legalisation of same-sex marriage has left many without a single weekend that isn’t occupied by some friends’ costly and time-consuming matrimonial joining.

32-year-old Tom Logan said: “By the end of Friday I just want to dick around for a couple of days, maybe go to the pub, not dig my suit out and get on a train to Kent.

“I was struggling to cope with the volume of heterosexual weddings. Now all the gay people I know are suddenly getting married, it’s like a tsunami of inconvenience and cake consumption.”

He added: “I am happy for them, I suppose, but Jesus Christ I’ve not got a free Saturday until 2017.

“Can’t we just ban all weddings except for one Saturday a year, when they all happen simultaneously and you can just stay home and watch them on the internet?”

Stephen Malley is to marry his boyfriend next month: “We considered a modest civil partnership thing in the local registry office, then we thought fuck it, we’ve had to spend a fortune attending straight weddings over the years.

“So it’s going to be in Florida, I’m afraid.”