Scouts To Get Badge For Playing The Biscuit Game

THE Scout Association is to formalise sexual education by awarding a badge for playing the biscuit game.

The game, also known as 'Soggy Biscuit', has been an integral part of the scouting movement since it was founded 100 years ago.

Since then generations of boys have been unable to look each other in the eye after witnessing one of their troop munch his way through a semen-covered digestive.

Now the association wants to offer scouts the chance to learn some of the key aspects of sexual health and reproduction while honing their biscuiting skills.

A spokesman said: "When a scout reaches the age when his voice is changing and his shorts are getting a little bit too tight, it's time to start thinking about sex.

"The biscuit game is a very useful way of making the scouts comfortable around each other's reproductive organs in a camp setting.

"In the past we have perhaps focused too much on core skills like abseiling, orienteering, kayaking and tree identification. Somewhere along the way we took our eye off the ejaculation ball."

He added: "The great thing about the biscuit game is that it's fun and it doesn't matter if you win or lose.

"Except, of course, that you absolutely do not want to lose."

Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money

THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

Chief secretary to the Treasury, Yvette Cooper, said she wanted the banks to think of their customers as delicate flowers that need to be nurtured or they could lose all their lovely petals and die.

She added: "Stop taking people's houses away. It's, like, where they live, you know?

"So what if they signed a legally binding contract agreeing to pay you without fail every month? Why are you so obsessed with money? It's really ugly and it makes me not want to be around you."

Dr Roy Hobbs, an economist at Leeds University, said: "I am slightly concerned the second-in-command at the Treasury does not appear to know what mortgage lenders actually do.

"Unless they are able to collect money every month from the mortgage holders and, if necessary, repossess the house in order to recover the loan, they're really nothing more than some headed notepaper and a lot of people sitting around playing Tetris."

Cooper insisted: "We all need to recalibrate our humanity. Property is just a state of mind."

A spokesman for the Royal Bank of Scotland said: "No it's not."