Scouts To Get Badge For Playing The Biscuit Game

THE Scout Association is to formalise sexual education by awarding a badge for playing the biscuit game.

The game, also known as 'Soggy Biscuit', has been an integral part of the scouting movement since it was founded 100 years ago.

Since then generations of boys have been unable to look each other in the eye after witnessing one of their troop munch his way through a semen-covered digestive.

Now the association wants to offer scouts the chance to learn some of the key aspects of sexual health and reproduction while honing their biscuiting skills.

A spokesman said: "When a scout reaches the age when his voice is changing and his shorts are getting a little bit too tight, it's time to start thinking about sex.

"The biscuit game is a very useful way of making the scouts comfortable around each other's reproductive organs in a camp setting.

"In the past we have perhaps focused too much on core skills like abseiling, orienteering, kayaking and tree identification. Somewhere along the way we took our eye off the ejaculation ball."

He added: "The great thing about the biscuit game is that it's fun and it doesn't matter if you win or lose.

"Except, of course, that you absolutely do not want to lose."

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Banks told to stop being so obsessed with money

THE government last night urged mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time. 

The Treasury advised banks to chill out and lower rates because their customers are not responding to the stern line they are taking, and these delicate flowers need to be nurtured lest they lose all their lovely petals. 

A spokesman said: “What’s wrong with the old rates, like two per cent? People loved those. Why not play the classics? 

“And stop taking people’s houses away. It’s, like, where they live? So what if they signed legally binding contracts to pay you without fail every month? Why are you so obsessed with money? It’s really ugly and it makes people not want to be around you.”

Economist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “I am slightly concerned the Treasury does not appear to know what mortgage lenders actually do. 

“Unless they are able to lend at profitable rates, collect that money in full and if necessary reposess houses to recover their investment, they’re really nothing more than some headed notepaper and men in suits sitting around closing branches.”

Jeremy Hunt insisted: “We all need to recalibrate our humanity. Property is just a state of mind.”

A spokesman for the Natwest replied: “No it’s not.”