Self-employed man dreams of becoming oppressed wage slave

A SELF-EMPLOYED man would love to be trapped in a soul-destroying salaried job, he has confirmed.

Martin Bishop feels his life would be vastly improved if he swapped his one-man bicycle courier business for a dead-end, repetitive role with an uncaring employer.

Bishop said: “Working 16 hours a day in a state of constant panic, for less than the minimum wage, has motivated me to break free from being my own boss.

“My dream job would be working in a call centre with a supervisor constantly hassling me and people telling me to fuck off, or working on a production line squirting filling into Ginster’s pies.

“I think what appeals about the employed lifestyle is having enough money to buy food.”

He added: “I thought working from home would let me have baths in the day and watch Bargain Hunt for a break, but that doesn’t happen when you’re doing longer hours than someone in a gulag.”

Bishop is now waiting to hear about a minimum wage job cleaning machinery in a dog food factory, but is trying not to think about it in case he jinxes it.


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Most immigrants are escaped Kryptonian prisoners, reveals Daily Mail

TWO-THIRDS of all immigrants were imprisoned on their home planet Krypton before escaping and heading to Britain, the Daily Mail has revealed.

The newspaper explained that the leaders of the Kryptonian migrants may be looking to forge alliances with underworld bosses, then use their unnatural strength and telekinetic powers to make humanity cower at their feet.

Daily Mail deputy head of hate Martin Bishop said: “If the information we’re putting out there is correct then we should all be worried about this.

“We have all the sympathy in the world for them after their home planet of Krypton was destroyed by a hydrogen bomb thrown from Earth, but I don’t see how that makes them our problem.

“We can’t help everyone. We’re not super men.

“That would make us some sort of master race and we’re certainly not into those kinds of ideas.”

Mail Online fan Mary Fisher: “My son is already in school with a kid called Zoltan, do we need kids called Zod as well?”