Seven godawful fashion items that should never make a comeback

FASHION is a continuous cycle where certain clothes come back into style even if they’re hideous. These unforgivable items must never make a comeback, but probably will.


Haven’t people suffered enough? Especially with jeans. Society has struggled through low-rise jeans, skinny jeans and ripped jeans – it doesn’t need jeans with excessive, billowing sails on each leg to make a comeback too. All anyone wants is a sensible pair of denim tubes to slip over their legs, is that too much to ask for?

Tank tops

Tank tops don’t tick any boxes. They look awful, go with nothing and only keep a tiny portion of your body warm. They are cottagecore gilets that have died out because they are f**king pointless. Just because our scientists could bring them back, does that mean they should? No. Leave them in the past where they belong.

Shell suits

The cyclical nature of fashion means a shell suit revival is unfortunately overdue. But then again, so is the cataclysmic eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park. Which would be worse, the nuclear winter caused by a blanket of ash clogging up the skies, or the return of gaudy nylon abominations that burst into flames if you walk too fast? It’s a tough call.


No, these do not make you look like a cool cowboy or a David Foster Wallace-esque intellectual. For most people they look laughable at best, and at worst mark you out as a twat who wants to be in a Mexican biker gang despite living in Crewe. Stick to less hideous headwear like a jester’s cap with bells or those phallic deely boppers that incredibly pissed women wear on hen dos.

Tie-dye T-shirts

Clothing should not look like it’s trying to hypnotise you or indoctrinate you into a cult. Even if you wore a tie-dye T-shirt to Glastonbury or Brighton then people would think you look like a bit of a prick, and those people wear any old shit. Leave the trippy, migraine-inducing imagery to the people who make Magic Eye pictures.


Crocs were so close to being eradicated like smallpox, but due to the incompetence of people who are happy to wear Fat Willy’s clothing they’re on the rise once again. It’s not even a fleeting ironic throwback, people genuinely think they’re comfortable and look good. Hopefully future generations will learn from our mistakes.

Anything from the 80s

The window for an 80s fashion revival has passed. This means we must never again suffer at the hands of leg warmers, lurid spandex gym gear or broad-shouldered, double-breasted business suits. Not even at a themed party or if fashion designers completely run out of ideas. Even nudity would be preferable, and in the case of attractive people, should be actively encouraged.

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Miserable bands teenagers shouldn't be allowed to listen to

TEENAGERS love music that encourages them to be gloomy little self-obsessed shits. Here are some artists you should only be allowed to listen to above the age of 25.

The Cure

There are so many Cure songs about doomed relationships that the Camus-inspired Killing an Arab is a chirpy pick-me-up. Pictures of You in particular is great for teens Facebook stalking a girl at school who’s way out of their league. All you can conclude is that Robert Smith split up with a lot of goth chicks in his time. Maybe they fell out over who used all the eyeliner and volumising shampoo.

Nine Inch Nails

NIN unquestionably rock, but a typical day for Trent Reznor consists of non-stop, overwrought trauma, eg. ‘Look through these blackened eyes/ You’ll see ten thousand lies’ and ‘Dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive’. It definitely speaks to the self-absorbed teen, too beautiful and sensitive for the cruelty of A-levels. As for Trent, he should try worrying about something more productive, like chucking out all the manky stuff at the back of the fridge. 

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Nick and the Seeds’ dirgy tunes are fair warning of the opaque lyrical glumness to follow. GCHQ would struggle to decipher some of the lyrics, but persevere and you’ll find them deeply un-uplifting, eg. mournful meditations on sleeping with a prostitute. What were you expecting, Nick? A day out at Alton Towers? 

The Smiths

It’s stating the obvious to point out The Smiths weren’t exactly 2 Unlimited, but they can’t really be left out of any list about gloomy tunes. There are many themes here that will really chime with teens, such as unrequited love (What Difference Does it Make?) and vegetarianism in Meat Is Murder, with its slightly hilarious lyrical variations on ‘And the [insert tasty animal here] that you carve with a smile… is MURDER!’ Of course, the true misery here will be experienced by mum, who now has to find vegetarian ready meals that taste of something.

Marilyn Manson

Marilyn mines a rich seam of being crushed by an uncaring and corrupt world, and what teenager hasn’t experienced that? There’s just no way you can save up for a car on your dad’s £45 a month allowance – WHICH INCLUDES YOUR LUNCH MONEY FOR COLLEGE! Also, Manson pretends to be JFK on the day of his assassination in the video for Coma White, and the average teen is already pretty self-obsessed, so you don’t want to give them delusions of grandeur too.


Easily the best and most listenable ‘existential dread’ band, and even people who don’t like Radiohead like Creep and Just, so frankly Thom Yorke et al can’t be as miserable as they make out. Which is absolutely perfect for the performatively alienated teenager who can mysteriously be shaken out their endless void of despair by giving them the cash to see Fast X.

Joy Division 

Actually, Joy Division had a lot of very uplifting songs and a playful sense of humour. No, just kidding. They were far more authentic in their misery than other gloomy bands thanks to poor old Ian Curtis, and managed to make late 70s Manchester look like A Clockwork Orange without the social life. Probably best avoided by teens, as it might make them genuinely miserable, and that’s the last thing they want.