FASHION is a continuous cycle where certain clothes come back into style even if they’re hideous. These unforgivable items must never make a comeback, but probably will.
Flares
Haven’t people suffered enough? Especially with jeans. Society has struggled through low-rise jeans, skinny jeans and ripped jeans – it doesn’t need jeans with excessive, billowing sails on each leg to make a comeback too. All anyone wants is a sensible pair of denim tubes to slip over their legs, is that too much to ask for?
Tank tops
Tank tops don’t tick any boxes. They look awful, go with nothing and only keep a tiny portion of your body warm. They are cottagecore gilets that have died out because they are f**king pointless. Just because our scientists could bring them back, does that mean they should? No. Leave them in the past where they belong.
Shell suits
The cyclical nature of fashion means a shell suit revival is unfortunately overdue. But then again, so is the cataclysmic eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park. Which would be worse, the nuclear winter caused by a blanket of ash clogging up the skies, or the return of gaudy nylon abominations that burst into flames if you walk too fast? It’s a tough call.
Bandanas
No, these do not make you look like a cool cowboy or a David Foster Wallace-esque intellectual. For most people they look laughable at best, and at worst mark you out as a twat who wants to be in a Mexican biker gang despite living in Crewe. Stick to less hideous headwear like a jester’s cap with bells or those phallic deely boppers that incredibly pissed women wear on hen dos.
Tie-dye T-shirts
Clothing should not look like it’s trying to hypnotise you or indoctrinate you into a cult. Even if you wore a tie-dye T-shirt to Glastonbury or Brighton then people would think you look like a bit of a prick, and those people wear any old shit. Leave the trippy, migraine-inducing imagery to the people who make Magic Eye pictures.
Crocs
Crocs were so close to being eradicated like smallpox, but due to the incompetence of people who are happy to wear Fat Willy’s clothing they’re on the rise once again. It’s not even a fleeting ironic throwback, people genuinely think they’re comfortable and look good. Hopefully future generations will learn from our mistakes.
Anything from the 80s
The window for an 80s fashion revival has passed. This means we must never again suffer at the hands of leg warmers, lurid spandex gym gear or broad-shouldered, double-breasted business suits. Not even at a themed party or if fashion designers completely run out of ideas. Even nudity would be preferable, and in the case of attractive people, should be actively encouraged.
