PRIMARY schoolchildren are to be educated in ending relationships by text, email, and Skype.
The lessons would teach seven-year-olds how and when to employ phrases like Im just not at that place in my life right now.
Minister for Schools David Laws said: Seeing children in the playground shouting I dont like you anymore, and shoving each other to the ground made me realise how behind we are.
By 2018, every nine-year-old will be able to compose a beautiful, handwritten letter ostensibly absolving the dumpee of all blame while leaving them with haunting doubts about every aspect of their appearance and character.
The curriculum will teach nine-year-olds how to act out unresolved resentment on a series of blameless partners, 12-year-olds how to maintain a burner mobile for hook-ups, and 18-year-olds to identify when a fuckbuddy is drifting toward commitment.
Prime minister David Cameron is apparently planning to take the classes himself in preparation for the difficult conversation he expects to have with Nick Clegg next May.