Sewel revelations ‘a tad vicarious’, confirm Britain’s older men

MILLIONS of older men have been nodding vigorously at the Lord Sewel sex and drugs scandal.

The 69 year-old has resigned as deputy speaker of the House of Lords aftter being filmed allegedly taking cocaine with prostitutes, causing Britain’s older men to gaze out of the window and smile.

Julian Cook, a retired surveyor from Hatfield, said: “I wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to find cocaine and prostitutes. This is why we need the House of Lords.

“I need to know that otherwise dull, elderly men are out there snorting coke and banging call girls like my hero, John Belushi.”

Martin Bishop, 63, from Stevenage, said: “I’ve watched the video and he’s clearly having a fantastic evening. All this horrible press coverage risks depriving him of some very happy memories. Stop it at once.”

Meanwhile, dozens of peers are trying desperately to contact their regular prostitutes and coke dealers to make sure everyone is still ‘on board’.

One member of the Lords said: “I’m just a guy doing my thing, but now I face being splashed all over a tabloid, accompanied by some ghastly, tortuous pun.”

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Increasingly evil and cunning seagulls open lettings agency

SEAGULLS have cemented their position as humanity’s arch-enemy by opening a lettings agency specialising in ‘luxury studio flats’.

The barrel-chested sea birds have tired of petty fast food theft and are hoping that Winged Lettings Ltd will give them a more sustainable, low-maintenance way of exploiting and terrorising mankind.

Seagull Tom Booker said: “Swooping on ice creams is a mug’s game. What you want is a bunch of bedsits you can let out at an extortionate rate with loads of obscure fees piled on top.

“You still get to make humans feel upset and scared by sending them regular moody letters and turning up for ‘property spot checks’, but you don’t have to sleep in a bunch of shoddily-woven old twigs.

“Now I’ve got a nice place in Kent and an Audi TT. If I want a burger I just order one rather than having to find a discarded McDonald’s box and impale it on my beak.”

Trainee nurse Emma Bradford said: “I rented a bedsit off the seagulls, their office reeks of fish and all the furniture is completely covered in birdshit.

“Also they have these tiny, evil eyes which I think is fairly common among the lettings industry.”