SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.
Researchers into human sexual behaviour have concluded that intercourse is almost too odd to contemplate.
Dr Tom Logan said: “Picture yourself naked and grunting, on top of another person who is making a funny face.
“The stuff you’re saying to each other isn’t even proper sentences, often it’s just swearing.
“The idea is that it is the ultimate expression of love, yet it’s the repetitive interaction of organs used for going to the toilet.
“It’s like something a drug-addicted surrealist painter would come up with.
“Surely a better way to show someone you really like them would be getting them membership to the RSPB or buying them a watch.”
23-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “When you think about what sex actually involves, it’s all very frightening and undignified.
“Luckily I read women’s magazines, so I am ashamed of my naked body, while my boyfriend is addicted to internet porn, so it’s not really a problem.”