Sex And The City 'Totally Empowering', Says Manky Slapper

SEX and the City is totally empowering and totally feminist – but in a good way, fans of the show said last night.

Nikki Hollis said she had secretly worried she might be an easily manipulated, man-obsessed skank who dressed like a transvestite prostitute until she saw the movie this week.

But the fashion PR said she realised now she was a strong, independent woman in touch with her sexuality who liked white wine and occasionally left her knickers in an alley.

She said: "For too long we have allowed men to be at the centre of our lives, to dictate how we dress, and how we act. Well now it's our turn to get we want.

"If I want to go out in crippling heels and a tiny skirt, and do it next to the bins with some guy I met in a bar, then no outmoded patriachal view of society is going to stop me.

"I dress like this to please myself. Yeah, all the plain girls stare, the jealous hairy bitches, but only because I can have the men they can't. I can have any man I want. How feminist is that?"

Hollis added: "So I sleep with a lot of guys, but I’m totally in control and it’s all on my terms. I’m a suffragette in crotchless panties.

"When I’m lying on my back with my ankles round my ears, I’m thinking 'If only Emmeline Pankhurst could see me now'."

Tom Logan, a speed-dater from Dagenham said: "Of course you're a feminist, love. Good for you. Now let’s go outside and you can suck my ding-dong."

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Hang On, This Isn’t Majorca, Say Angry Pandas

A PAIR of giant Pandas who arrived in Scotland this week have claimed they were duped after being promised a fortnight in Majorca.

Chi Chi and Cha Cha said they only agreed to leave China after officials offered them a two-week stay in a seaside apartment in the picturesque village of Deia.

However, once on the plane they learned that instead of going to the beautiful Balearic island they were being sent 'on loan' to Edinburgh zoo for ten years.

Chi Chi said: "Who are these people? I've spent all my life in rural China and I've never seen such poverty and bad teeth. And I can't understand a bloody word.

"We were promised a fortnight of snorkelling, and our own hire car. We end up living in a hole in the ground, surrounded by our own mess.

"Ten years? You get less for murder. I want to talk to my solicitor. Where the fuck's the WWF when you need them?

"And I'm knackered. I've only been here a day, and every time I go outside someone throws a bottle at my head."

He added: "I don't like chips right, or Mars Bars. I just want a bit of bamboo, and a number for the nearest Chinese.

"I'd thought the break might be good. I've been under a lot of strain recently, you know, everything’s not been right down there. But this has just made it worse."