Show-off couple to have twins

A FLASHY couple are expecting twins just to go one better than their friends with only one baby.

Tom and Rachel Logan have smugly informed close friends that they will soon be welcoming two baby girls, making their parenthood experience at least twice as rewarding as everyone else’s.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “Typical. Absolutely bloody typical.

“They couldn’t have them one at a time like any normal couple. No, they get to be the most tired, the most harrassed, the most crippled-by-childcare of anyone.

“Christ, I won’t even be able to tell a funny story about Henry vomiting in his Robofish tank without frigging Beyoncé one-upping it with how her double blessings vomit telepathically in separate rooms.

“Next time they’re round I’m putting The Shining on.”

Wife Julie Malley said: “I’d love to see Tom and Rachel having twins. However, I’d love to see it after they’d already had their first child.

“Imagine the smug dicks suddenly being stuck with three. That’d be hilarious.”

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Blair to die for our sins

TONY Blair has opened his arms wide and announced his readiness to die for the sins of ignorant Brexit voters. 

The former prime minister tore open his shirt and exposed his naked chest to the media after admitting he was so opposed to Brexit he would happily lose his life for his beliefs.

He said: “Brexit is wrong and should be reversed. There. I said it. Kill me now.

“Speak not of my former arrogance which arguably caused an increase in Islamic terrorism and cemented distrust of all politicians, because it is not helpful right now.

“Instead let me suffer for your misguided vote. Let me say for you the forbidden things: Leave lied, immigration is healthy, this will cost more than you’re prepared to pay.

“Aah, heresy! Strike me down with your arrows, with your swords! But know I die for Remain, and in my martyrdom millions will unite behind my memory and our cause will triumph.”

Norman Steele of Gateshead said: “Blair dead or Brexit? Wow. He always did know how to make you face tough choices.”