Six anecdotes you really wish you hadn't started telling

EVERYONE has funny little tales to tell, and everyone gets halfway through it before realising their audience is bored shitless but they can’t stop now: 

The one where you met a celebrity 

These tend to start strong. There’s mystery, there’s suspense. Just who did you brush past in a club 20 years ago? It’s only when you reveal that it was some non-entity who had minor chart success that the excitement starts to drain out of the room. At which point some knobhead will have to swoop in and liven things up with the story of how they got a selfie with George Clooney.

The one where you got something extra

Everybody loves getting a little bit more than what they paid for, but this doesn’t mean it translates into stories anyone wants to hear. Tales of flight upgrades and optional extras on cars thrown in for free are fair game, but your anecdote about getting 11 slices of unsmoked bacon in your pack of ten are a waste of air. Is your life really that unremarkable?

The one where you were caught short

Who doesn’t have a story where they’re busting for the loo and have had to relieve themselves in a bush? This is okay to share if it’s a number one, whereas your story about shitting into a Pringles tube while waiting in traffic on the M6 should be taken with you to the grave. It poses too many questions, like how did you dispose of the evidence and can you ever taste sour cream and chive again?

The one when you nearly played sport at a high level

You might be tempted to reach for this story if the rest of your life has been incredibly dull. Don’t. As you begin to tease details about your budding sporting promise, people’s enthusiasm will start to fade when they realise you were only talent spotted for Kwik Cricket and not something impressive like football. You weren’t even held back by an interesting injury, you just proved to be quite shit at it.

The one about your extravagant sexual encounter

When it comes to sex anecdotes, think before you speak. Tales of boning in an unusual place or getting railed in an elaborate position are harmless fun when shared between friends, but do they contain details you need to skip over? You don’t want to get halfway through an erotic tale only to remember that you were shagging the recipient’s partner behind their back.

The one where you were too drunk

Drunken exploits are hilarious in your memory, it’s only when you try to recount them in the cold light of day that you understand how unpleasant they sound. Waking up in a pool of your own vomit is a bit too real and tragic, and you’ll notice the mood change from hilarity to disbelief to disgust as you try to contextualise it with humorous details. Particularly awkward if you’re sharing it at an intervention.

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Five batshit celebrity couples you would accept at this point

BILL Murray dating Kelis would have shocked you years ago, but now everything is so bonkers it barely registers. Even these celebrity couples would fail to astonish you.

Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

One’s a Swedish climate activist, the other’s an online blowhard beloved by your weird cousin who lives in a basement. They sound like a doomed match on paper, but maybe their Twitter spats are the younger generation’s equivalent of flirting? Perhaps, deep down, Greta thinks she can fix the Top G like she can the environment. He’ll have to lose all the Bugattis first though.

David Attenborough and Kim Kardashian

A few years ago you would have refused to entertain this possibility. He’s a renowned broadcaster and documentary maker, whereas the most famous thing she’s ever filmed dwells in the recesses of PornHub. Reality has taken its toll of late though, and now you’re so weary you’ll accept it willingly. Why not make it a throuple with Rhianna? You don’t care anymore.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift

Unusual, but perhaps the only logical next step for the pop star. Having worked her way through most of the eligible A-list bachelors and Matt Healy, a fling with self-partnering is one of the few routes left open to her. And if it doesn’t work out she can always write a scathing, chart-topping tune about how underwhelming she found herself.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

Was that lengthy trial for nothing? Haven’t they burnt their respective bridges enough? Perhaps not. After all, fellow celebrity couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez got back together after breaking off an engagement. Maybe relationships, like time, are a flat circle we are all doomed to repeat. If nothing else, that explains why you drunk text your ex.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie

The most insane celebrity coupling on this list. He’s one of the biggest actors in Hollywood and she’s well over 25. Such a pairing goes against the known laws of the universe. Physics as we know it would have to be rewritten from the ground up if these two ever got together. Even then, your reaction would be an exhausted ‘okay’.