Six reasons why ongoing social distancing will f**king rock

EVER hated holding a colleague’s new baby? Well, that’s over, and if social distancing is here to stay so are these: 

No more office mouth-breather

Can’t be closer than two metres means Dan who wheezes, sniffs and expectorates in the urinals is well beyond arm’s length. Plastic screens would make him as unintrusive as a pub telly showing Homes Under the Hammer.

No more gym

It’s a virus pump isn’t it, a gym? All those sweaty people and droplets. You always knew there was something unhealthy about it. Put off and ultimately don’t go for a run in the park instead.

No pretending to enjoy festivals

In the Befores, people who hated festivals were seen as curmudgeonly party poopers. But now watching music about in a massive crowd is more dangerous and irresponsible than ingesting a gram of mystery powder, staying awake for five days in a row, and shitting in a trench.

No more dinner parties

Dinner parties of strangers showing off about their houses and jobs are over. You can’t sit next to each other and the economic damage wreaked by the virus means their pop-up interactive cinema experiences are a thing of barely-recalled legend.

No more birthdays or weddings

Going all the way to Edinburgh for some knobhead’s wedding? Going all the way to your mate’s flat in Croydon for their birthday? Going out? None of that.

No hugging strangers

Being obliged to hug or kiss people you’ve only just met is unpleasant. Now it could potentially kill you, you never need get close to a stranger again.

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Britain scores the highest death toll in Europe and still the whinging carpers have nothing positive to say, by Dominic Raab

by Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

IS it impossible for the Left to be positive? Are they so blinded by ideology they can’t recognise this government’s achievements? 

Yesterday, the UK’s death toll exceeded any in Europe. The Italians, the Spanish, and by magnitudes the Germans. The leftist lie that there is no British exceptionalism has been well and truly exposed. 

Yet still, as I announce this news, all I hear is griping. Tests, hospitals, PPE. Why can’t we for one moment recognise that we have come top? 

The EU is amazed at our achievement. Across 27 countries they’re watching and learning from our example. 

‘We had all the advantages’, they say. ‘We saw what was coming.’ Yes we did, and we made the very British most of it. But the Quislings here still moan. 

You wanted the deaths from care homes added? I did it. Greece has thousands of pensioners they’re still classifying as ‘having a good long sleep’. We’re penalised for doing a proper job. 

We are the only nation in Europe whose leader has not only contracted COVID-19, but been in intensive care with it. Those others should hang their heads in shame.

This isn’t a competition. Numbers don’t matter, apart from when I pretended I’d hit my test target last Friday and the media went along with it because I’d tried. 

But for now, let’s take a second to salute this first win in Europe since Katrina and the Waves in 1997. And I promise you this. After Brexit, this will look like nothing.