Tuesday, 7th July 2020

Six reasons why ongoing social distancing will f**king rock

EVER hated holding a colleague’s new baby? Well, that’s over, and if social distancing is here to stay so are these: 

No more office mouth-breather

Can’t be closer than two metres means Dan who wheezes, sniffs and expectorates in the urinals is well beyond arm’s length. Plastic screens would make him as unintrusive as a pub telly showing Homes Under the Hammer.

No more gym

It’s a virus pump isn’t it, a gym? All those sweaty people and droplets. You always knew there was something unhealthy about it. Put off and ultimately don’t go for a run in the park instead.

No pretending to enjoy festivals

In the Befores, people who hated festivals were seen as curmudgeonly party poopers. But now watching music about in a massive crowd is more dangerous and irresponsible than ingesting a gram of mystery powder, staying awake for five days in a row, and shitting in a trench.

No more dinner parties

Dinner parties of strangers showing off about their houses and jobs are over. You can’t sit next to each other and the economic damage wreaked by the virus means their pop-up interactive cinema experiences are a thing of barely-recalled legend.

No more birthdays or weddings

Going all the way to Edinburgh for some knobhead’s wedding? Going all the way to your mate’s flat in Croydon for their birthday? Going out? None of that.

No hugging strangers

Being obliged to hug or kiss people you’ve only just met is unpleasant. Now it could potentially kill you, you never need get close to a stranger again.