GET in the mood for Halloween with these spine-chilling tales. Just don’t think about them too deeply or you’ll realise they’re bollocks.
The Grey Lady
Whenever she’s seen, a death occurs. And that’s true. However there are thousands of grey, white and black ghost ladies in the UK – even the smallest villages have one – so we should be more worried about daily Grey Lady fatalities than Covid deaths.
The killer in the backseat
A female motorist is pursued by a car or lorry at night. After escaping, it turns out the driver was trying to warn her about a killer in her backseat! Problem: did the woman not once look behind her? A grown adult can’t really hide in the back of a car. She deserves a knife through the shoulder blades for being such an unobservant cow.
The ghost who lures people to their death
Often a spectral boatman who draws people into marshes with a lamp where they drown. Precisely what satisfaction he gets from offing innocent strangers from a different century night after night isn’t clear. Perhaps you just turn into a time-wasting arsehole after you die.
The Slenderman
Slenderman is spooky because much is left to your imagination. However he features on the user-written horror site Creepypasta, where the scariest thing is dumbass American teenagers’ appalling grammar, spelling and inability to describe anything without using cliches.
The ghost that’s suspiciously familiar
It’s a nun/highwayman/noblewoman who was bricked up behind a wall/cruelly betrayed/had a doomed love affair, and now they wander the earth/seek revenge/cause footsteps in old buildings. People who make up ghost stories should show a bit of originality now and then, eg. a ghost who moves with the times and kills people with a power drill.
A dream – or was it?
Someone asleep in bed is visited by their grandma strangely late at night. The next day they assume it was a dream until their mother comes in, crying. GRANDMA DIED AT 2AM. Well we’ve never heard anything like this before! /sarcasm. She had to die sometime anyway.
