It’s Freedom Day: social distancing is over. Here are some of the arseholes who are immediately going to be up in your grill:
Public transport wanker
You can wave goodbye to the glory days when no one was allowed sit next to you on a bus. Brace yourself for some sweaty city worker, yelling into their iPhone, to thunk themselves down beside you and ram their briefcase into your ribs, while you press your face against the window and pine for the days of lockdown.
There is a certain class of prick that pride themselves on their strong handshakes, and they’ve been at a loss throughout the pandemic. With 18 months of intimidatingly tight greetings built up in their systems, be prepared for the return of clammy, painful palm squeezing.
Overly tactile friend
Most social groups have one friend who has absolutely no concept of physical boundaries. Thanks to social distancing, you found their company more tolerable than usual. Now, though, expect the grim return of them drunkenly throwing their arms around you and breathing wetly into your ear.
Table service is being ditched in pubs. This means we face a return to standing at the bar trying to catch the attention of the one overworked staff member while someone made even more socially inept than usual by lockdown tries it on with you. Maybe get some cans and stay in for a couple more weeks.
As you queue in Tesco Extra, you will notice a sensation that you haven’t missed: someone standing right behind you and breathing down your neck. These idiots still believe that standing so close you can smell their body odour makes paying for their shopping quicker, even though 18 months of civilised, spaced out queuing has proved otherwise.