Six types of prick who are going to invade your personal space today

It’s Freedom Day: social distancing is over. Here are some of the arseholes who are immediately going to be up in your grill:

Public transport wanker

You can wave goodbye to the glory days when no one was allowed sit next to you on a bus. Brace yourself for some sweaty city worker, yelling into their iPhone, to thunk themselves down beside you and ram their briefcase into your ribs, while you press your face against the window and pine for the days of lockdown.


There is a certain class of prick that pride themselves on their strong handshakes, and they’ve been at a loss throughout the pandemic. With 18 months of intimidatingly tight greetings built up in their systems, be prepared for the return of clammy, painful palm squeezing.

Overly tactile friend

Most social groups have one friend who has absolutely no concept of physical boundaries. Thanks to social distancing, you found their company more tolerable than usual. Now, though, expect the grim return of them drunkenly throwing their arms around you and breathing wetly into your ear.


Table service is being ditched in pubs. This means we face a return to standing at the bar trying to catch the attention of the one overworked staff member while someone made even more socially inept than usual by lockdown tries it on with you. Maybe get some cans and stay in for a couple more weeks.

Queue invader

As you queue in Tesco Extra, you will notice a sensation that you haven’t missed: someone standing right behind you and breathing down your neck. These idiots still believe that standing so close you can smell their body odour makes paying for their shopping quicker, even though 18 months of civilised, spaced out queuing has proved otherwise.

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Why 'one rule for you and another for them' is fine: Boris Johnson explains

PISSED off about having to self-isolate whilst I’ve done everything I can to try and weasel out of it? Here’s why double standards are perfectly acceptable:

I’m the prime minister

I have hugely important things to do, like running the country and attending daily photo opportunities. Although to be honest, even if I wasn’t PM I’d be the sort of selfish twat just ignoring all the rules anyway.

I’ve had the Covid

Admittedly that was my own fault, but if you’ve not had it yet the onus is really on you to stop it spreading. I’ve given you loads of confusing contradictory advice, so I’ve done my bit.

You’ll only go to chip shops or something

Let’s face it, your horizons are more limited than mine. Not being able to stuff your faces with saveloys while self-isolating isn’t much of a sacrifice. I, on the other hand, need a gourmet meal from the Downing Street chefs, or superlative vol-au-vents at Spectator parties.

I have a genius-level ability to get away with stuff

Last-minute U-turns, talking rubbish, blatant womanising – crafty old Alexander can get away with all of it. It’s possible voters may get sick of this f**king pantomime and boot me out, but it’s unlikely. That’s not overconfidence, it’s just my winning personality. But mainly Brexit.

You’ll get used to being cooped up again

Think about the brave RAF chaps imprisoned in Stalag Luft for more than five years, to use yet another nonsensical World War 2 reference. They didn’t even have Netflix.

I am a terrible, terrible person

Given my track record, do you really think I am about to change? This might be a deadly global pandemic, but the main issue here is simple: Boris Johnson.