Tall, small, fat, thin: 14 things women aren't allowed to be

LIFE as a woman is easy, and completely free from criticism and judgement. Unless you fall into any of these categories:

Tall – Nudge over 5ft 7ins and suddenly you’re a big, lanky giant who isn’t worth a second look.

Small – Nudge under 5ft 3ins and you’re a tiny shrew. So just stay in the four-inch sweet spot between the two and you’ll be fine.

Fat – Enjoying a big, tasty sandwich for lunch means you’re fat. You should immediately begin the latest fad diet, which consists of cabbage water and misery.

Thin – Lose any weight at all and you’re immediately ‘painfully skinny’. However, if you are anything above a size eight you go straight back into the previous category of being tragically overweight.

Funny – Women are not funny; it’s a biological fact. God knows what that noise they make when they get together in groups is, but it can’t be laughter because none of them have a sense of humour.

Serious – However, fail to constantly have a grin on your face and men in the street will shout out ‘Smile, love, it might never happen’.

Poor – Any woman short of a few quid is trying to game the benefits system by popping out as many kids as possible, so you must have money.

Rich – Not too much money though, as that means you are either sponging off the wealth of a man or, even worse, successful independently of a man.

Confident – Women can’t be confident, just loud, shrill or aggressive.

Shy – But they shouldn’t be shy, as that’s the reason they’re passed over for promotion. It’s  definitely not sexism.

Gay – Gay women just haven’t met the right guy yet. At a push they can be bisexual, as that still allows for a man to be involved.

Straight – No woman is too straight to resist a threesome, right? They never are in porn.

Sober – Lighten up, let your hair down and stop being so bloody strait-laced all the time.

Drunk – Don’t get pissed or even look like you’re enjoying yourself whilst holding a drink though. That’s just asking for it.

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Five advertising slogans that are absolute bullshit

ADVERTISING is all about creativity, innovation and paying arseholes to make up bullshit. Here are five peak-bollocks slogans:

L’Oreal – Because you’re worth it

Worry no more because you are worth it. You are worth gifting yourself a wide assortment of ruinously expensive goo and slime, that will hopefully stop your disgusting face from looking quite so slimy, dry and old. That’s just how much you’re worth it.

Sky – Believe in better

Not only do they demand that you part with a small fortune every month, but Sky also want you to believe that what you’re getting is better. Which presumably means those hours you spend resetting the wi-fi router, leaning out of windows to get a phone signal and sitting through their tedious American dramas are better than… nothing at all?

Nike – Just do it

Turns out all you had to do, all along, is ‘it’. No one knows what the f**k ‘it’ is, but Nike are very keen that you spend several hundred pounds on shoes, socks and t-shirts to wear whilst you attempt to figure that tricky question out.

Apple – Think different

Apple make it clear in their slogan that they’re the brand for independent thinkers. That’s why most of the world buy their phones, and still buy them even though the screens break the second you look at them. Because they all think so differently.

Guinness – Good things come to those who wait

This old adage may be true, but less so when it comes to a stout you only ordered to look like the quirky guy in your group of mates. Sure, you’ll wait – for the clueless London barman to try and fail to pour it decently – but the fiver they just charged you for it stops any part of the experience being ‘good’.