LIFE as a woman is easy, and completely free from criticism and judgement. Unless you fall into any of these categories:
Tall – Nudge over 5ft 7ins and suddenly you’re a big, lanky giant who isn’t worth a second look.
Small – Nudge under 5ft 3ins and you’re a tiny shrew. So just stay in the four-inch sweet spot between the two and you’ll be fine.
Fat – Enjoying a big, tasty sandwich for lunch means you’re fat. You should immediately begin the latest fad diet, which consists of cabbage water and misery.
Thin – Lose any weight at all and you’re immediately ‘painfully skinny’. However, if you are anything above a size eight you go straight back into the previous category of being tragically overweight.
Funny – Women are not funny; it’s a biological fact. God knows what that noise they make when they get together in groups is, but it can’t be laughter because none of them have a sense of humour.
Serious – However, fail to constantly have a grin on your face and men in the street will shout out ‘Smile, love, it might never happen’.
Poor – Any woman short of a few quid is trying to game the benefits system by popping out as many kids as possible, so you must have money.
Rich – Not too much money though, as that means you are either sponging off the wealth of a man or, even worse, successful independently of a man.
Confident – Women can’t be confident, just loud, shrill or aggressive.
Shy – But they shouldn’t be shy, as that’s the reason they’re passed over for promotion. It’s definitely not sexism.
Gay – Gay women just haven’t met the right guy yet. At a push they can be bisexual, as that still allows for a man to be involved.
Straight – No woman is too straight to resist a threesome, right? They never are in porn.
Sober – Lighten up, let your hair down and stop being so bloody strait-laced all the time.
Drunk – Don’t get pissed or even look like you’re enjoying yourself whilst holding a drink though. That’s just asking for it.