Skinny jeans make mum feel like a teenager again, except with numb legs

42-YEAR-OLD Donna Sheridan still fits into her old skinny jeans apart from being unable to inhale or to feel anything in her legs.

Mother-of-two Sheridan said: “I’ve had these jeans for years now and they still slip on relatively easily, after only an hour or so of violent yanking in a shoulder-stand position.

“My feet are a bit tingly and swollen and I can only move by keeping my legs dead straight and swinging my hips, but otherwise I’m good to go.

“They’re so comfortable. They give me the relaxed, casual feeling of a massive snake swallowing my lower body.”

Doctors have warned about the dangers of excessively tight legwear, suggesting that skinny jeans should carry a warning label explaining one of the basic laws of physics.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We just need a little tag saying something like ‘things do not fit inside things that are smaller than themselves’, possibly with a picture of a water buffalo failing to get into a Ford Ka.

“They are particularly unsuitable for men with legs the shape of men’s legs.”

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Humanity to keep tweeting positive slogans until point of extinction

HUMANS will continue posting upbeat sayings on social media until the very last person dies, it has emerged.

Following claims that humanity will soon be killed off by climate change, experts said that the hollow life-affirming statements would continue until zero hour.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “As famine, drought and overcrowding take their toll and civilisation spirals inexorably towards chaos, we’ll still see tweets like ‘Negative people have a problem for every solution’ and ‘Every single second is an inspiration’.

“When people turn into desperate cannibals and sell themselves sexually for a few slivers of rat meat, you’ll still get people on Facebook saying ‘You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind’.

“And thanks to internet scheduling software, hours after the last human keels over in a desert wasteland there will be an automated tweet saying simply ‘Love what you do’.”